Pulling yourself back up!

Here we are over halfway through the year of 2022, and it just seems like we are still in 2021. It has been a long time since I have written anything about my journey. I can make excuse about how life got in the way of things, but I will not. It was simply because I did not do it. I am no longer going to make the excuse of life got in the way. So, on this Sunday morning I want to be open and honest about what has been happening to me. I have had a rough two years from work, family, relationships, and friends. I cannot put it all in this one blog, but I can give you what I can. Depression is what has held me in a dark place. I was fighting with my own self. I never wanted to give up on life because I knew I had people who depend on me. I was fighting for them and not myself, which put me into a deeper depression. I smiled, I cried, and I pushed away anyone who ever tried to love me. How can you give yourself to anyone when you feel lost? It's not hard for me to share my story because I have done it before, and it helped me. I am no longer depressed but as I woke up this morning listening to gospel music. It placed in my heart that I am supposed to share my story. I do not do this for likes or comments I do this because I want to be able to help someone who feels alone, scared, or at the end of the road. Well, I am here to tell you that the road goes on. It only ends if you want it too. Believe or not this is going to be emotionally hard for me because as I am writing all I can feel is the tears fall. Here it goes...

I have been a promoted supervisor for about 3 years now and you would think that things would be good. I am grateful for the blessing that I has been bestowed in my life. However, with every blessing there are trails because when I tell you I have been through it. I have seriously been through it! Here is where it gets rough. I was taking care of people when I needed help. I started seeking therapy because I thought I was just going to shrivel up and fade away. I had no family I could go to because I feared all my business was going to spread throughout the family. I did not want anyone to know that I was depressed. I was ashamed because when people see me, they call me strong, supermom, superwoman etc. I was just Annjeanne Evans, and I needed for people to understand that I am HUMAN too. My girlfriend at the time was going through her own depression but we both could not help each other. She wanted me to let her in and all I wanted her to do was leave me alone. I am not saying that it was fair, but I did not know how to express that I needed help. I pushed her away by isolating her from my life. The things about her that I loved I now hated. How could the very thing that I fell in love with, I now despised. I will say she tried to help make days better all the while I found things wrong with that too. I was not in a good space. I did try to express that I needed to find myself again and she could not understand that. My therapist told me that I needed to be honest with myself and start setting boundaries. Boundaries should be easy to set right? Nope, I will start out with what I thought I was enforcing boundaries only to crying because I am back in the same space again. When you are depressed the last thing, you are thinking about is trying to enforce boundaries. Honestly, you try to keep everyone happy because you are not. Well at least that is what I did. I would put on the biggest act but would cry when I was in bed alone, cry in my car before I walked into my house. I will say I did reach out to my aunt and sister once and yes; I said once. I called them when I was having a breakdown and it turned out horribly. I had to stop crying and cater to them because they were crying. I called them to help me, and I had to assure them that things were going to be okay.

It is hard being in empath because you feel everything. I was at work having breakdowns. I was a total mess. I drowned my sorrows in wine and alcohol. I had a fun buddy who would (yes, I said fun buddy because I was not fucking her) drink and keep me company, just to help me zone out. Sometimes it helped and sometimes it did not. We would get into it about things and that made things even worse. I realized with her it was more of a hindrance then help. She felt she had control of my life. I did not help it because I just gave into the shenanigans. I just wanted to be free of my own thoughts and problems. My own question to myself was always. When are you going to take back your life? When are you going to stop allowing people and situations to dictate your life? Well, I can say that it has been a struggle and to this day it still is. They say when your reach a new level in your life, you deal with a new devil. This is the truest thing I have heard. The difficulties do not go away. Although I am no longer depressed its still struggle to believe that it is going to be okay. I say that because reality of life is that it does not stop. You will still deal with struggles of work, family, and friends. Situations that will make you breakdown will still be there. It is a matter how you deal with it. I used to push through the day and be angry while at work. I am not an angry person, and I do not want to be perceived as such. I have started doing things that make Jeanine happy. My only struggle is being persistence with it. I have a business that I have started but I still see myself struggling with that. I have the vision and I know exactly what it is that I need to do. Question, as always am I doing it? Yes, but half ass. I know that my business would help so many. Its start with acknowledging that I must make the change. I am ready and it does not matter if I do not have the audience that I want. It's just time to stop making excuses and put action into it. I want to share in detail my journey, but I know it needs to be a visual journey. So, I am going to be making a podcast, YouTube, IG live because I know there are people who have a story to share. Question is who is willing to share their stories. Who is willing to let the world know that depression is not winning!! Like I always say this is just the beginning. Until next time!