Jays Journey!

                                                     (I do not own this picture) Today has been a great day, I got off work early and now I am able to get some writing done. I’ve been MIA for a minute so I haven’t been able to keep you updated with what has been going on with me.  I’m finally in a relationship with someone and I love how things are going. We have our ups and downs but it seems like we are in it for the long run. That’s a whole other blog in itself because I’m sure many will be shocked once I tell my story. However I have a topic that hits home for me because  I believe a lot of people go through this very situation I think some of us lose who we are as a person to make everyone else around us happy. Afraid of not being loved and accepted, we tend to forget who we really are; a Christian, a Jew, Gay, a Teacher etc. You get the point in what I’m saying and my only question is why we have to lose ourselves for someone else’s happiness. Would they change who th

                                                   (This picture does not belong to me the Artist is Carole Clarke)  I know I haven’t been on for a while but due to lack of internet and work driving me up a wall, I have been missing the one thing that I really love doing and that of course is writing. It’s been a lot going on in my family and it’s really been hard dealing with the deaths that has taken place in the last two months. I won’t dwell on that because I know that both my aunts are in a better place and no they are no longer in pain. This may be true but it still doesn’t make it any easier to deal with the lost. I haven’t really been inspired to write about much even though so much has been going on. However, while talking to an old friend today he told me that he was going through something with the mother of his daughter.  First let me explain why this is such a touchy topic for me.  Fathers, who want to be in their children’s lives but the mothers who won’t let the

It’s getting close to mothers day and I really haven’t been feeling like myself. I want to cry, scream, sleep just so that I can’t try and mask the pain that is coming on stronger each day. She’s not here and I can’t believe that I’m supposed to just accept this. Yes, I understand that she’s in a better place right now but am I? I still pick up my phone and want to dial her number to tell all the good and bad things going on in my life. I can’t because she’s gone and it breaks every vein in my heart when I think about it. I miss her and I need her with me not only spiritually but physically as well. Mother’s Day will not be the same for me anymore and I know that I’m a mother but how can I smile when I want to cry. I’m being told think about the times she made you smile or laugh. I can do all that but guess what I would normally do when I think about what she did to make me laugh or smile. I would call her and remind her of what she did to make that happen.  Now where does th

Its feels like forever since I’ve written anything and I know that my work schedule has a lot to do with it but I won’t make excuses and I will try and write as much as I can for now on.  My current situation is that I’m in the library to be able to connect to the internet so that I can write. So here are the latest events that have been going on in my life. Part 2 Work has been great and I’ve been getting the hours I want which means that I’m doing good. My baby girl has finally decided that she wants to try out for a sport and drama class. I know she will do well in drama because she is a drama queen. Not to mention her being a teenager is still hard because next year she will be going to high school. I’m really going to cry then and believe me I’m going to be on my game with them little dirty boys who try and talk to my baby. I’m not going to say that I don’t think she will not be into boys and that boys are not going to like her. I’m simply saying that she will not be able to

Having no internet has been a pain in the neck, I haven’t been able to blog about anything in the last couple of weeks and I really hate that I’ve waited so long to get another post up. As you all know I really appreciate that you take the time out to read my blog, so I thank you all for your support. I have a couple of things to touch on and I’ll probably have to make it into a two part blog. First the job is going great but it also has me so tired where I am unable to do anything. I can tell you this; if you work for the Post Office than you know that you are constantly working. My worst nightmare came true with being a carrier. I had three big dogs charge me when trying to deliver a package. I thought I was going to die that day and I know my heart had to stop at least three times before the owner finally contained all of them. I swear from that point on I vowed that I would not get out my truck unless it was truly necessary. I was hoping that I never got that route again but y

I had the longest week ever but I’m glad to say that it was a productive one. I am blessed that I have the opportunity to make a better life for me and my baby girl. However, you know I have some things that I have to talk about: one is my journey as a vegetarian, two is him (yes him still), three is people who never mind their business..lol This one is one that I know that I will always deal with for the rest of my life but it’s okay because I’m not even letting it get to me ( okay maybe it got to me a little....lol) It’s been five months since I gave up eating meat and this include seafood too. It wasn’t hard to give up eating meat totally because I was never really a huge meat eater. I gave up eating beef and pork about 12 years ago; it was right after I had my daughter.  Now let me tell you giving up eating seafood has been the hardest in my journey but I don’t need it as much as I want it. The question that I’m always asked is did you give up eating meat to lose weight and I tel

I know it’s been a minute since I’ve written anything but a lot has been going on and I want you guys to know that I never forget about you and I don’t want you to forget about me. I’m writing tonight because there is one subject that has been bothering me and I felt the need to write about it. My daily message that I wrote the other day sparked something in me and as always I felt the need to share. Before you find yourself trying to fix a broken relationship, ask yourself this question. Is the relationship worth fixing? Does the other person feel the same way as you? Just because you want that person in your life. Doesn't mean they belong in your life. If someone removed themselves out of your life than let them be the one to fix it. If they’re not reaching out to you then you got your answer. It may have been for the best. Pray on it and God will replace that person with someone who values your friendship. Be blessed and love those who love you This was the message that I sent

I wasn’t going to write tonight but I felt that I needed to get something off my mind. What better way to do it than to write and get it out of my system.  Today I woke up feeling okay but there was something that had been bothering me over the weekend. I got a message from him asking if I was with child (it was a strong possibility, we all get caught up in the moment that could change our lives forever) and it threw me off because we haven’t spoken in forever and I get a message like that. I hit him back and told him that he would be the first to know if that’s what it is. So I hit him today to let him know that he no longer had to worry or concern himself with thoughts of me and him being parents. He said that he didn’t want to be a baby dad and didn’t want me to be a baby mama. He said marriage, and then a baby and I agree with him on that. I told him that it was best that I wasn’t right now with everything going on. Besides what’s going on who wants to have a child with someone t

I was about to head to bed but of course I started thinking about my future and where I see myself in the next couple of years.  My friend asked me what was new with me and told me to think really deep and at first I couldn’t come up with anything. I couldn’t think about anything new that was going on in my life. Yes, I’ve gone through heartaches, financial loss, friendship broken and lots of tears but nothing new.  This is how my conversation went with my friend and it really helped me to get to the core of where my mind is right now in regards to my future. My Response: I told him I was thinking about getting a one bedroom apartment for me and my baby girl. This way I can save money and work on getting my credit back in order.  I thought If I can find something that is reasonable than maybe I’ll just go with the two bedrooms instead of one. I thought about if I was able to manage a fulltime schedule with school, work and raising a teenage daughter and still have time for myself. I

I wanted to write this entry last night but I was so exhausted and didn’t have the energy to turn on my laptop and write. I’ve been having some restless night and it’s because at night he’s in my thoughts. However last night I had an epiphany and it made things so clear for me on why our relationship ended on his terms not mine.  This letter should be intended for him to read but I feel like others may be able to relate and need to read it. I have no intentions on sending him this letter and if he ever decides to read my blog again he can read it then. To Him As I lay here and have these constant thoughts of what went wrong and how I played my part in us being at this point.  I realize that I was at fault but you were to blame as well.  I laid my heart on the table only for you to pick it up, touch it and see if it was real? My feelings for you were very real and I didn’t hide that from you but you did. You never once told me how you really felt and I realize now that I was bu

Come take a moment to join me in my daydream.. this post will not be a read for everyone. I’m feeling kind of excited and I felt like I wanted to share with you my day dream. This will be a very EXPLICIT post so I am giving you for warning.   She remembered how it all started, she was on her way to an interview and she got a call from him. He wanted to wish her well on her interview but he really wanted to talk. He asked her what she was wearing since she sent him pictures of her options the night before. She told him that she had changed her look and decided to go with some grey slacks and a black blazer. She told him that she was looking great and he need not worry about her outfit.  They talked some more and she was ready to get off the phone since they both stated they needed some time from talking to each other. He asked her was she working that weekend she told him no and she had the entire weekend off. He suggested she should come visit him and she told him that she wasn’t goi

Today has been one of those days where I didn’t think anything could go right. I woke up grateful that I was blessed to see another day, yet I felt like something was wrong with me. Something inside me felt empty and I dragged around the house even though I knew I had to leave for work in a hour or so. I didn’t care and all I wanted to do was lay back down. I got an email from an employer who I had already had an interview with last month, stating that I didn’t fax in the correct forms needed and that I would have to reapply for the position again. I was livid because I knew I faxed over within the time it was suppose to be submitted. For some reason this person from Human Resources was just trying to play me as if I never applied for a job before. I was so pissed and on my way to work I started talking to God asking him what was going on and why was I feel like I was going through a test. “A test of my faith, patience’s, but most of all my sanity” I was feeling like I was lost. I wa

I’m learning more and more about the stuff that I can tolerate in my life but the one thing that I still can’t tolerate is bullshit.  I am far from perfect and I know my emotions at times can get the best of me. However I see my wrong doing and I admit to my mistakes. You can’t tell me you love God in one breath and tell me that I mean nothing to you in the next.  We serve a forgiving and loving God so if your brother/sister comes to you with open arms you turned them away. Let’s get to the main issue at hand on this blog. I’ve been dealing with the possibility of never talking to my friend (Mr. Wrong, right guy) again but I’ve come to this conclusion that I’m okay with it. Last night I was reading this book Why Not You? By Valorie Burton (a must read) and in reading the introduction I felt this surge of strength come over me out of nowhere. I started to give god praise and I tweeted my thoughts and I just had to get up from what I was doing and start to pray. My reason for saying

I almost let my feelings and emotions get the best of me. I was hurting and I was lashing out the best way I knew how. Yup, with my words! If I can’t physically hurt you then I will hurt you with my words. Let me explain how the situation that I created could’ve gotten worse than it has. I was contemplating on not  writing this entry because I feel like I’m still kind of caught up in my thoughts when it comes to this guy who I thought I loved ( it was lust).   I spoke to him about things changing between us and I told him that I really didn’t love him. I knew I wasn’t in love with him but I thought that I started finding myself loving him. Well don’t get me wrong I do love the man that he is but not to love him with the intent of being with him. I will admit that I get a little crazy when things start to fall out of place. I need things to be right in order for the gears in my brain not to go off the deep end...lol I am only telling you the truth because as I sit here and write this