Jays Journey!

I almost let my feelings and emotions get the best of me. I was hurting and I was lashing out the best way I knew how. Yup, with my words! If I can’t physically hurt you then I will hurt you with my words. Let me explain how the situation that I created could’ve gotten worse than it has. I was contemplating on not  writing this entry because I feel like I’m still kind of caught up in my thoughts when it comes to this guy who I thought I loved ( it was lust).   I spoke to him about things changing between us and I told him that I really didn’t love him. I knew I wasn’t in love with him but I thought that I started finding myself loving him. Well don’t get me wrong I do love the man that he is but not to love him with the intent of being with him. I will admit that I get a little crazy when things start to fall out of place. I need things to be right in order for the gears in my brain not to go off the deep end...lol I am only telling you the truth because as I sit here and write this

We all know that sex changes everything and some wonder why. I tell you from experience that I much rather have friend who I can fantasize with then lose that friend because we both decided to cross the line of being friends. I got to be real blunt with you on this post so please make sure you want to read what I’m about to write. It doesn’t help that I had drink before I started writing this post either but here I go. As you know I went to visit my friend almost two weeks ago and we had a blast. I was treated like a Queen should be treated and it was more than I could of imagine. I can’t say that I was in love because I had sex with him. I just enjoyed my moment with him and all that came with it. I don’t have any regrets about sleeping with him. It had been a long, long time since I had any real contact with a man. The attraction was there and as soon as I got to his place it was on and popping. I needed a shower and he wanted to make sure my back was nice and clean. You get it rig

We all live with insecurities, flaws, etc.  I am far from perfect and there is one thing that I never talk about or even want to think about for that matter. It wasn’t that I was afraid to talk about it; it was that I was ashamed to face the fact that I had to live with this one thing that I hated so much. I’m finally facing the truth and its time I do something to correct it.   A few years ago I went to the dentist for a regular checkup and to check on an abscess that I had in my mouth. At least that is what I thought it was because my cousin had gone through the same thing a couple of months prior. I went in and he did my cleaning and as usual I had no cavities but he said that he needed to drain the abscess. He told me that once he drained it that it should go away and not bother me anymore. I left with my face a bit swollen and my mouth was still in pain from him draining the abscess. I got home and my God sister told me that my dentist had called and said that I needed to go to

My weekend was one of the best I have ever had!! As you know I told you that I would keep you posted on what decision I would come up in regards to him. Well I will honestly say that during the visit we talked about us for a little bit but I wanted to enjoy the moment that I was having. I didn’t want to think about the possibilities that this was a moment that wouldn’t last forever. I enjoyed the walks, talks, the hugs, and waking up to someone holding me. I lived in the moment and didn’t have a care in the world. The story is someone like a lifetime movie…lol but when I explain you’ll see exactly what I mean.  As you know this trip was not planned and I had to make a quick heartfelt decision. I chose to go and see how things where between us in person. We talk a good talk over the phone or Skype but haven’t done the face to face talk in a very long time. Anyway, I was on the bus and my mind was all over the place. You know with the “what if questions” and my nerves where bad. I coul

I cried, I yelled and I gave up but my heart said it wasn't time to let go. So I write this as I take the trip to see him. What should I expect? What do I say? Will this be what we need to put things in perspective? I don't know but I'm going to give it a try. With that said this will be the longest weekend I ever have but let me first tell you why I'm in the place that I am. I told him I loved him and that I couldn't be the friend that he needed me to be. I need and deserve more than he was willing to give. He made me feel unwanted for the last time. He stood silent for a minute and the only thing he could come up with was "how did we get here so soon" I explained that you can't expect to not have feelings after speaking to someone every day. He was apart of my daily routine. I got up and expected to see a good morning text. I would drive to work and talk to him on my way there. At night that was really when I expected him to take me to a place t

Today has been one of those days and I’m going to explain why it has been. I’ve always tried to be truthful with anyone that I show interest to and I expect the same. Well, I am learning that you can’t expect anyone to give you the same respect that you give them. The older I get the more I know that instead of letting things play out for themselves, you have to demand that everything is put on the table. Feelings, wants, expectations, truth or anything else you want; you have to make sure you get exactly what you want.  Let me tell you what my point is to this post.  You know that I have that Mr. Right, Wrong Guy that I like so much but he had the girlfriend who is his ex now but someone how she’s still in his head.  I knew that going into any type of relationship with him that I would have to face the reality of the truth (check that post out). The first truth to his problem was that he was telling me that he wasn't ready for a relationship because he still had feelings for her

How do you deal with the reality of the truth, do you cover it up? Cry about it? Or simply accept it and move past it. I’m dealing with the reality of the one thing I hate to admit, dealing with someone who is not afraid of being honest with me and giving it to me like it is… Read below and you’ll get what I ‘m saying. I've known for a while that I would eventually need to hear the truth about him and her. However, I got so caught up in the fantasy of having him that I put it to the back of my mind. I figured things would eventually fade out and I wouldn’t need to know about what happened. Boy was I wrong; my conscience didn’t let me put that behind for too long. My heart is now involved and there’s no turning back once you fully commit your heart. There hasn’t been any physical intimacy but there has been other ways we have pleased each other. We don’t live near each other but I honestly didn’t realize the other ways you could mentally satisfy someone sexually. I haven’t expe

It’s a New Year and it’s time to do what you want. No more excuses about I can’t do this and I can’t do that. You can do anything you put your mind to as long as you FOCUS , that’s right I made sure to capitalize that, word specifically. I hope that everyone bought in the New Year in positive. I can tell you that as hard as it was to be happy about this New Year, I had to remember that if my mother was alive then I wouldn’t be sad. I wasn’t able to go to church but I did stream live with my old church that I went to back in Brooklyn. Christian Cultural Center the pastor is Rev. A. R. Bernard. I will recommend anyone to go to this church if you live in Brooklyn, NY His sermons always make me feel fresh and ready to hear what he’s going to teach next. He gave the congregation a key word FOCUS and he had eight key points to go with the word focus. I felt the need to share because that’s what I do. Hope this helps you as much it has already help me to focus my life right now.