Jays Journey!

Here we are  over halfway  through the year of 2022, and it just seems like we are still in 2021. It has been a long time since I have written anything about my journey. I can make excuse about how life got in the way of things, but I will not. It was simply because I did not do it. I am no longer going to make the excuse of life got in the way. So, on this Sunday morning I want to be open and honest about what has been happening to me. I have had a rough two years from work, family, relationships, and friends. I cannot put it all in this one blog, but I can give you what I can. Depression is what has held me in a dark place. I was fighting with my own self. I never wanted to give up on life because I knew I had people who depend on me. I was fighting for them and not myself, which put me into a deeper depression. I smiled, I cried, and I pushed away anyone who ever tried to love me. How can you give yourself to anyone when you feel lost? It's not hard for me to share my story...

https://www.amazon.com/Bloggers-World-Annjeanne-Evans/dp/B0891VQLD7  I've been working on getting my book completed and ready for publishing. I want to thank all my readers who have kept up with me and shown me love. Its not the end but the beginning of a new life for me. I'm officially a published author.  Check it out.  You will not be disappointed. 

Day 2 of my fast, and I thought I was going to eat the coconut cake that was sitting in my refrigerator. I am mad that I can't eat, and it is going to go to waste. I was off work today and tried to sleep the hunger away. My sister had the nerve to wake up and make breakfast. Talk about the worst way to wake up, but the best way to wake up. Lol, I was supposed to go to church today, but I missed it again because I waited for the Misses to come home, and she was too tired to do anything. I did cook today, and it was great. I made some fried cauliflower, fried rice, and roasted potatoes. I think this fast will help me get back to my better eating habits. I used to cook all the time, but I got back to old eating habits. I still haven't touched meat, but I have been eating everything sweet and greasy. I have to work tomorrow, but I don't want to go. Would it be wrong to call out even though it would definitely put them in a bind. Well I wont do it but I promise you I may if I w...

Today starts the first day of my twelve-day fast. I can't eat from midnight thru 4 pm, but I can eat from 4 pm to 11:59. Talk about waking up and not being able to eat until 4 pm. Ugh, I am going to struggle with eating so late or not having coffee to keep up. We cant meat, which isn't a big deal because I'm a pescatarian. For anyone who doesn't know what that means, it means that I only seafood. I'm only able to drink water and real fruit juices. I did have a green machine (kale, spinach, carrots, and apples), and I tell you I was still hungry. Try being hungry, agitated, and not only that, I woke up to my cycle. Ugh, kill me now, and its only day one of the fast. I'm giving up my social media and dairy products. It going to be hard to give up my cheese, yall don't understand I love cheese. I went to church for the first time in an over a year. It felt so good to be in church, listening to the praise and worshipers sing. I love the message...

Well, I can't believe it's already 2020, and I'm glad to be able to do still what I love. Like, I mentioned in my other post, I've missed writing for my audience and myself. To continue where I left off. I am in a relationship and have been for almost a year. I must say this has been the most challenging part of my year. We met on a dating website, and we instantly connected. I found myself engulfed in her positive spirit. She's a truck driver for a company she now hates. She used to be over the road but now she drives locally. When she was over the road things between us were dam near perfect. We video chatted, texted continuously each other, and the calls lasted forever. I miss those times so much now. However, I gave her a warning, yes, I said advice. I told her, "Don't skip chapters in our relationship. In other words, don't fall so fast. People tend to allow their feelings to take control instead of allowing things to progress slowly. How can anyo...

Omg, it feels absolutely exhilarating to sit down and write again. It’s been sometime since I’ve taken the time out to release my thoughts out into the universe. I’ve missed it terribly; I can use the excuse that life has been preventing me from writing but that wouldn’t be the truth.   I lost myself when it came to my writing anything. I’ve been happy, sad and disappointed by so much that it held me from my true self. Whelp, not anymore, I’m feeling like a brand-new woman! Life has been good, let me fix that “it’s been an amazing”. 2019 has been so good to me that I really have no complaints. My career has really taken off. The last time I mentioned my job, I was a rural carrier (mail lady). Well now I am a supervisor and I manage the same employees, I once worked with. The transition wasn’t that hard. However, I did receive some negative energy from those who thought I shouldn’t have gotten the position. Hell, I even got back doored from the person who asked me if I was inter...

So last night after writing my last entry It made me think about the sacrifices I’ve made for the sake of others. It made me very upset and I cried because I couldn’t call my mom and talk to her about it. It’s okay to be sad or even cry but never allow it to put you in a dark space. It’s refreshing to cry and let go of the pain and hurt you feel inside. Growing up I used to hold in everything and by the time I was ready to talk about it, too much time had past by. Honestly, if something or someone makes you feel away about anything, I feel you should talk about it right then. Whelp, let me continue why I chose to still be in a friendship that was one sided. I stopped talking to her for a couple of months and during this time of not talking to her I found myself to be at peace. I started writing and sending out my morning messages but then she hit me up. I was hesitant to respond because deep down I knew she needed me in some way. I had mixed emotions because I cared about her and ...

I know its been forever since I’ve written anything. As it may be life always has a way of shaking things up. I won’t try to squeeze everything that has been going on into one post. However, I will give you the most valuable lessons that I’ve learned in over the last year or so. The one most important lesson I had to learn (yet again) is never to lose yourself in some who isn’t worth it. Well you should never lose yourself for anybody, but you know that great emotion (LOVE) will have you doing cartwheels, jumping out of planes etc.  lol. I’m sure you get the idea! People’s biggest fear is that they will never find anyone to love them or if they fall in love they’ll get hurt. There is always a possibility of getting hurt when you give your heart to someone but what are the chances of giving it to someone who doesn’t deserve it. In my opinion 7 times of 10 is the likely hood of giving your heart to the wrong person. My question, now is once you’ve been hurt do you shutdown out o...

Sometimes we tend to get our signals crossed. We can say one thing but it could something totally different. My question is if you are uncertain about what the another person is saying. Why not “Ask Questions”. People would rather not ask questions to only turn around and get mad at the other person's actions. Someone once told me that their not into the “wondering game”. You know wondering what you want to say or how you feel. I thought about it when it was said to me. My conclusion to this is if I say something or don’t say something and you feel you don’t have the time or don care either way. Why even bother at all! To wonder is to show concern because you care. To shut down and dismiss the person's feelings shows the opposite. I always say people will say or do very little and not realize they are saying a whole lot. I will say that I sometimes have a problem expressing myself. I may not say anything or I have said something and my actions showed differently. However, if ...

I know that I’m not expert in relationships but I swear the last two years of dealing with different personalities, people etc. I’ve learned a whole lot and I know that some of my weight loss is from the stress of it all. I constantly ask myself how I can continue to put my heart on the table only for it to be continually being cut into pieces. However, the one thing I realize that is the most difficult in breaking up is not getting that last kiss. I will explain what I mean by the last kiss amongst other questions we don’t get answered in the end. I was in a relationship a month ago and it felt like the longest rollercoaster in my life. I developed real feelings for this woman even in the short amount of time of knowing her. However, she was a lot of women to handle and at times I thought that we were great. Then there were times I said something’s that I knew would hit her right where it hurt most. I was hurting and I needed her to understand that she was piercing my soul. I ...

Trying to determine how I should start this it's like in the past couple of months I went from losing my godmother to being in a relationship then not being in a relationship. I was sick to the point I've lost so much weight and I don't recognize who I am. I've noticed that since exploring the idea of being with a woman it has given me a different perspective on relationships. A woman tends to satisfy specific needs, I would say that I get more attention my moods aren't a bother. However, at the same time, I'm noticing that there are things that lack in being in a relationship with a woman. I'm constantly having a battle with my own conscience as if the decision that I made was the right decision. I love women every size, shape, and color. Whether tall, short or skinny it doesn't matter. I know that I will always have a love for women. I stated before being in the relationship that I was in made me happy because I got the attention that I was missing fr...

Some people aren't worth your time or the air you breathe. Deep! Some will suck you dry and wait until your last breath to let you go. No need to wonder how this happened. We continue to let people in our realm without knowing who they are. Not everyone is your friend, not everyone who you call family is family. Deep! It's the truth. We must treat our life like it's our last breath. You anticipate the unexpected, you utilize whatever or whoever it is around that is beneficial not just in that moment but for a lifetime. Yes, I understand we are not made to live forever. However, we were made to live, right?. So, if your not living than your slowly killing yourself. Stop worrying about making everything right. Sometimes you need to look at whats wrong so that you can make it right. Our time is precious, and so is the air (God in my case) that gives you life. Stop holding on to those who will put a knee in your chest and wait till that very moment, then they'll free you. ...

Why is it that when I’m doing well, things start to fall apart. I know it’s been a while and it always seems like I take forever to post up a blog, but I promise you it’s not because I don’t want to. It’s more like life is kicking me in the ass and I don’t know how to stop it. Some reading this may tell me to pray, I’ve done that and as soon as things start turning around BAM!! I am hit with something else.  I had honestly hoped that I could go one year without another death in my family. Wrong, I’ve been dealing with death in my family since 2012 and it’s been a battle since then.  The loss of my mother was excruciating and the pain never stops. I find that what happens is the pain subsides until a memory or event happens.  That’s when I begin to question why do I have to go through this. Seems like I’m right back at that same point again, why? The reason I say this is because my Godmother died last month and it was so unexpected. She goes from having a cold to having m...

I’m learning more and more about the people I attract in my life and why I attract them in my life. The last two years I’ve come across some really good and bad people but I always wonder their purpose.  My decision to move back to Georgia from NY was because I didn’t feel I was at home and my mom was gone. My purpose was served for the time I spent home in NY the moment my mother was placed on the ground.  I was unhappy and I needed to find the serenity that I had when I move to Georgia the first time. Once I got back I had to start building my life all over again, that meant I had to find a job, new acquaintances etc. Since I didn’t really get out much because the lack of being motivated and unemployed I turned to social networking.  You can really narrow down who you want to talk to, meet up with or build something with. Well, my experiences have been good and bad.  I will give you a few experiences I’ve had and are still having.  Many are ashamed that they ...

I don’t even know where to begin but when I say life has been kicking me in the butt.. smh I always feel incomplete when I stop writing but sometimes you have to regroup and come back stronger. I’ve been fighting with my emotions on my break up with my ex who I truly loved but things didn’t work out. I was the reason for the breakup and I think at some point I couldn’t forgive myself for letting her go. I even tried to mend a friendship again but the hurt was still there and I believe she hadn’t forgiven me for hurting her. I understand the hurt that I caused and I don’t blame her for it not working out. My reason for talking about my breakup is that I learned that when you go through so many bad relationships you don’t realize what a good one is suppose to be. Although, distance played a huge part in my decision in the breakup, the love I had for her was real. The saying goes “you don’t miss a good thing until it’s gone”. Well I know this to be true because I missed the hell out of h...

Today was a rough day at work, I had a good night and I had hoped that it would’ve rolled over to today. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case and I lost it.  I had a lot to do at work today and I felt like I was going to never finish. After finally getting back to the office, I had a breakdown and I cried because I don’t feel like this is it for me. You ever think to yourself “this can’t be all that life has to offer me” well that was the exact thought I was having when the tears starting falling. However, I thought to myself “is this all that I’m offering myself”.  I knew that I had to pray today as I do every day.  As I was delivering the mail; Tasha Cobb song kept playing in my head and all I could do was sing. The song was For you Glory, and it was one part that kept making me tear up; “Lord if I find favor in your sight, lord please hear my hearts cry, I’ll cross the hottest desert to be where you are”. The word stuck with me because I had to ask god to guide me and...

This week was supposed to be filled with joy and happiness, but it wasn’t. It was my birthday and I should’ve had the best week ever. However, I was feeling very alone and depressed. Thank God for my coworkers who made me feel somewhat special. They treated me out to a Mexican restaurant for drinks and food. I had a blast and got a little tipsy, but it was what I needed. I needed that to forget that I was feeling sad because I didn’t get a cake or much less a card. Should I not feel this way because I’m older? Yes, I can feel this way knowing that I have family and my friends that I always show love to on any special occasions. Why can’t I at least expect a card that says happy birthday? Well I have put my feelings to the side so that I can face what it is that I’m dealing with today and that’s “ Depression ” Depression is real; it’s as you real as you being sick with the flu or even worse. Depression causes so many illness and worst Death by Suicide. I’m not trying to self-diagn...

These past few weeks have been crazy and I’m feeling depleted. My energy is low and I’m even losing weight. I’ve tried to understand why I am going through all that I am and still I can’t come up with anything. My grandfather died on Father’s Day and that really hurt my heart to the core. I was just planning a vacation to go back home and spend time with him. I didn’t make it and didn’t realize that the last time I would get to see him again would be in a casket; saying goodbye for the last time. I went back home for the funeral and to my surprise I found myself being depressed and it was because I was staying at my mother’s house. The memories were flooding my mind; I felt myself waiting for her to emerge from her room and say hello. That didn’t happen and I couldn’t take it. I cried for the time I was there, but I also found myself drinking the entire time I was there too. I couldn’t wait to leave, but I was also sad because I knew that it would be a long time before I see my family ...

Yesterday should’ve been a joyous occasion being that it was Father’s Day, but it wasn’t because my grandfather passed away. I had planned on going to see him next month, but I didn’t make it in time to see him.  It hurt my heart so bad because I assumed that he was going to be around long enough for me to spend time with him. Lesson learned; never put off something you can do today. I know he’s not in pain anymore and he can finally rest in peace, but it still hurts. My grandfather was the best fisherman I ever knew; I will never forget the times he would come in from fishing and have a cooler full of different fish. He was a no-nonsense man and he didn’t like loud noise. I remember once we were on our way to our family reunion and he started screaming at the kids to be quiet. We all kept laughing and playing, but that was all put to a stop when he demanded one of my aunts to get a switch. We were quiet the rest of the trip. He always had stories to tell me about his time...

I woke up this morning feeling like the day was going to be great until I felt a tear roll down my face.  I knew why it fell, but I wasn’t ready to deal with it. I’m at a breaking point in my life and now I’m finally feeling it. I’ve always been great at masking my pain and hurt from a child and now as an adult. However, the only problem is I never know when something or someone will bring me to this point. I know that it’s not good to hold in your feelings, but I never let them out in fear of hurting someone.  Yet, I hurt myself more by not saying it when it needs to be said and now I as I write I cry. I wasn’t expecting this feeling this morning; I just needed the pain to stay hidden in my heart.  It hurts me even more now because last night my daughter told me that the reason she shows no emotions is because of me. Wow, I never knew that she put on that same brave face as I do, only to mask her true feelings. I now have to find a way to break this cycle because i...