A different kind of love

I know its been forever since I’ve written anything. As it may be life always has a way of shaking things up. I won’t try to squeeze everything that has been going on into one post. However, I will give you the most valuable lessons that I’ve learned in over the last year or so. The one most important lesson I had to learn (yet again) is never to lose yourself in some who isn’t worth it. Well you should never lose yourself for anybody, but you know that great emotion (LOVE) will have you doing cartwheels, jumping out of planes etc.  lol. I’m sure you get the idea!

People’s biggest fear is that they will never find anyone to love them or if they fall in love they’ll get hurt. There is always a possibility of getting hurt when you give your heart to someone but what are the chances of giving it to someone who doesn’t deserve it. In my opinion 7 times of 10 is the likely hood of giving your heart to the wrong person. My question, now is once you’ve been hurt do you shutdown out of fear. Do you settle for only dating and never committing to anyone? Who wants to be alone for the rest of their life. Honestly, I don’t want to be and if it takes my heart being broken into a million pieces to find the right one. Then I think I’m an expert when it comes to heartbreak and how to shake it off.  Let me break it down so that you can see just how much I can and have taken. Despite it all I still believe that love will come my way one day.

The past year or so I’ve dated one or two different people, and both were mentally, physically and emotionally draining. I won’t go into the ex from hell who I would only place a bottle of water by her if she was burning (don’t judge me lol) I will talk about one who took me on the biggest emotional roller-coaster I’ve been on in my entire life. When I first met this person, it was online (again don’t judge lol) and off the back I knew I should’ve ran. However, little ole me with the huge heart wanted to know more about her and didn’t want to walk away. The first month of talking I dealt with some negativity on her part. She complained about my natural hair, glasses, laugh and even how I wrote in my blogs. Again, I know I should’ve walked away and believe me I tried but she kept on pulling me back. She is by far the best manipulator I have ever meet. She didn’t want me online talking to anyone else, but I had to be okay with her talking to other people. This wasn’t expectable, and we argued about it every other month (yes, I said month) I’ll be honest what drew me to her was that she was a fighter and had over came a serious illness in her life that could’ve taken her out. All I saw was potential in her and I wanted to show her that not everyone was out to get her. I took on the task of being her friend and putting away the expectations of making us work. She told me that I wasn’t Girlfriend material because I was affectionate with her. Tell me how can you be affectionate with anyone who at any given moment snap (there were a lot of side effects from the medicine) I didn’t know her well, but she made me feel like I needed to look at myself and make sure I wasn’t the problem. No one you care about should make you feel bad or tear you down. I then came up with a plan in my mind to show her that I am that woman that she will never find anywhere else. I cooked, massage, drove everywhere (her eyes where severely affected) but I could see that it still wasn’t enough. So much that I had to walk away and told her I couldn’t even be that friend anymore. A couple days would go by and of course I would get a message apologizing for the treatment. I prayed so hard for it all to go away but every time I felt I was free, something else happened and I didn’t want her to be alone. My heart was literally hurting every time I thought we were on the same page, she would push me away. I found out months later that she did this on purpose because she didn’t want to get close to me. It was kind of too late for that I had fallen for someone who didn’t deserve all the love I wanted to give. I’m not afraid to admit that I allowed this hurt on myself. Love is one hell of an emotion and sometimes you can’t control it. Down the line we both admitted how we felt but that we were both past the “relationship phase”. I didn’t desire to have someone in my life who didn’t want or felt how I felt about them. You may wonder what happen with her and is she still in my life. The answer is yes, and I can only explain that in my next post. We stopped talking for a while but as life might have again, that ugly illness came back and the roller-coaster started again.

I’ll say this for now. The roller-coaster that I was riding with her was controlled by me, and only me. There aren’t anymore tears or even feelings of wanting her in that way. There has been some decision making in both our lives (you’ll have to read the next post) that has place where we are today. I don’t have any regrets on meeting her or even staying for as long as I have. My only regret is that she had a hold on my heart for a while and it could’ve been given to someone who was ready to love me. I however, have learned that you can’t let anyone hold on so tight that you can’t just walk away. Especially without being scarred. I always say this, and I’ve been practicing it more. Love who you are first, and that real love will come when you least expect it and yes it could even be with someone you never met in person but online. (I know some relationships that are still going strong from online dating) Don’t give up on love even when you are still piecing back the parts that someone has broken.

Until Next Time…