No Love lost

Trying to determine how I should start this it's like in the past couple of months I went from losing my godmother to being in a relationship then not being in a relationship. I was sick to the point I've lost so much weight and I don't recognize who I am. I've noticed that since exploring the idea of being with a woman it has given me a different perspective on relationships. A woman tends to satisfy specific needs, I would say that I get more attention my moods aren't a bother. However, at the same time, I'm noticing that there are things that lack in being in a relationship with a woman. I'm constantly having a battle with my own conscience as if the decision that I made was the right decision. I love women every size, shape, and color. Whether tall, short or skinny it doesn't matter. I know that I will always have a love for women. I stated before being in the relationship that I was in made me happy because I got the attention that I was missing from not dating anyone but at the same time once a title was established between us everything when south.... Smh

We argued we cried we spend time away from each other and was going through why am I still here what is it about this woman that makes me put up with so much where as if I was dealing with a man I would have almost right after the drama started cut him off it's the compassion that I have for women that make me look past all of the b******* that they give you. I try and stay but is it possible for you to love someone one minute and not love them the next. Every day for the last 4 months I was told I love you at least give or take 10 times out of the day. Then you go from that to maybe once or twice a week. I don't know how to deal with that without seeming like I'm being dramatic. I struggle with that part of me it's no way a person can tell you that they love you almost every day and then that love dies within a week two week. My question to myself was it love or was it an infatuation with who I am. I'm a good woman and there's nothing I wouldn't do for a person that I love and that I can see myself with for the rest of my life. I have a problem with letting go and I try to look at the good in people who have potential but that potentially may just be for somebody else. I like to think about how my past relationships with females have been different because we all have our moods and different personalities but the main thing that I notice in my last relationships was they were consistent, and the level of intimacy and affection was high. I've never met anyone who didn't want to be affectionate or compassionate. I find that when a person has been hurt and they haven't had that love from their own family that it becomes hard to actually push that and give that to someone else. You don't know how to accept it you don't know how to be okay with receiving help or being loved and kissed on etc. I'm an affectionate woman I love to be loved on and I'm very surprised at myself that I  have been settling for someone who is giving me less than I deserve. My question to myself is why-why would you hold on to something or someone who makes you happy temporarily? I don't need a temporary fix I can do that with just having a random person to hang out with and chill with for the moment. When I tell someone that I love them I mean it with everything in me, I don't know how to switch it off. I don't know how to switch off being affection. I do what I do because of my mother she wasn't always affectionate with me when I was younger but the older I had gotten the more respect I had for her. She tried with everything in her to show us what love is and I appreciated her for doing that throughout my adult life but I guess I'm writing this because someone may be going through the same thing.You want to fix a person and it's because you love them. You don't know how to separate yourself without feeling like they're taking a piece of your heart.

I'm learning that life has a way of making you realize that not everyone or everything is supposed to be forever. I honestly feel that I've had the real love I was looking for but I allowed my selfish needs and wants get in the way of that.

I just need to step back and reevaluate my life there are so many things that I have put on hold for so many years for so many people because I'm trying to help them live out their dreams. I'm the one still saying hey I know I have this talent, so let me just put it to the side and I'll come back to it. Knowing that I know tomorrow isn't promised. My thought process could change my passion for writing could die. I thank God that he still has instilled in me the passion for reaching out to other people and for helping them understand that you can love someone, but sometimes you just have to let go. They may need to be let go so that they can find themselves or maybe you're holding them back. It's  someone out there that can do exactly what it is that you're trying to do but they may do it in a different way. I can accept that I have no choice no matter how much it will hurt me to let go. I need to continue with my life. You may say how can I walk away without not without feeling like I didn't give up?  I'm not a quitter,I'm a procrastinator I will say that about myself." I'm no quitter".

Love doesn't hurt love shouldn't make you feel uncomfortable love shouldn't make you feel insecure if a person is saying that they love you. Whenever someone says the love you; you should feel a sense of security and a sense of warm throughout your whole body. I had that and now I feel like I'm still searching for it again and it shouldn't be that way especially when there is someone out there who told me that they loved me. Yet, it's easy for them to just get rid of me and my feelings and not take into consideration that I do what I do because I care. YOU ARE NOT DISPOSABLE!! I love hard and when I love hard it's hard for me to just walk away. Maybe somebody else can help me to understand what it is I need to do and it could be the reason why I need to write this today. I'm just  tired of being tired and pretending that everything is okay when it's not. It doesn't mean that life is grand everybody has a story and sometimes people are afraid to be judged. The only judgment I'm concerned about is when I have to answer to my savior on those things I've done wrong in my life. Period!

Be blessed in all you do!