My Journey Cont.. Part 10

We seen each other almost everyday after he came and met my family. If we weren't together physically, then we spent the entire night talking on the phone. He started to fall for me really hard and I didn’t know how to deal that. I was at a point in my life where I didn’t know how to except someone who wanted all of me. I liked him but I had a wall built up that was no easy task breaking down. Let me just give you a little history on why I was trying so hard not to let anyone get so close to me. You would better understand throughout my entries why I was so hard and mean to those that wanted to love me. (particularly men)

My father was a huge part as to why I didn’t trust men. I mention in the first entry that my dad  went to jail when I was just a toddler. My mom actually took me to go see him while he was in jail. She said that it was hard for her to deal with the jail system and didn’t want me to have to deal with seeing him like that. Of course I don’t remember  any of it and I know my mother made the choice she believe was right for me. He did get out of jail when I was about 7 years old. My mom told me that he wanted to see me and that he said he missed me. I didn’t know anything about the man but being so young I was very impressionable. I was excited because my father would be around. She brought me over to my aunts house (on my dad side) who lived in Canarsie. I never knew my aunt lived in Brooklyn with my grandmother, uncle and her children.My mom told me she and my aunt were very close when her and my dad were together. My dad had been staying with my grandmother once he got out of prison. We arrived to my aunts house and I immediately became nervous and stood by my mother the entire time. My father was there and he came over and picked me up to give me a hug. I froze up and didn’t hug him back. That was the first time I seen my father in 7 years and already he was disappointed. My aunt wanted me to stay over her house so that I could spend time with my cousins. I looked at my mother like please don’t leave me in this strangers house. She left me anyway and I had no choice but to enjoy myself until she came back to pick me up. It was strange for me because my dad side of the family is Jamaican and they didn’t eat the some of the food we ate. I did enjoy my grandmothers homemade carrot juice for the first time. However my dad tried everything to assure me that he loved me and the he was sorry that he went to jail and didn’t get a chance to know me. I forgave him and told him that I was excited about getting to know him and his family.. The first year was great we spent time with each other and he came over for my birthday and took me shopping. I use to brag to my friends and family about how I was going to spend time with my father and how he had big money. As a child you would think the world of your dad if he’s in your life. However after the first year he stopped calling and when I tried to call him the number had been disconnected. I was disappointed because he’d promise me that he was going to stay in touch and that he would come get me to spend time with him at his place. That never happened right away and the trust for him was slowly dwindling away.  I was done with the constant lying and it went on like that for years. He would send me a birthday card and call me once or twice a year. After a while when he called I didn’t even return his calls. I just didn’t care anymore and didn’t trust anything a man would tell me from that point on. Throughout the entries I will tell more of what happen between me and my father’s relationship.

(continuing the entry now)

I like him a lot but didn’t want to get hurt by letting my feelings show for him. I knew that  he was trying hard to get me to feel for him what he was feeling for me. It was just the little things he did to show me that he cared. He would bring me flowers and my favorite drink every time he came to see me. I felt bad because this guy had no idea that I had no plans on letting him get so close to me. Three months had gone by and he has already told me that he was in love with me and wanted to be with me forever. I was smitten but again I couldn’t let him know that I was. He was hurt when I didn’t tell him that I loved him back.  I became a B**** and I’m not proud of it but it was the only way to push him out of my life. He started staying over my house at night because he would come over and stay up talking me until I fell asleep. My step father had part in letting him stay over. My step father and him got along great. I was pissed off about that because I was trying to get rid of the guy and he kept inviting him back over. I tried breaking up with him at least twice a week but to no avail he wouldn’t believe me. He told me that he knew that I was trying to push him away and the harder I pushed him the harder he would push back. I was speechless and couldn’t understand why he would put up with my madness. I use to leave him sleeping on the couch and leave to go hang out with my friends. He would page me and I would just ignore the page. I would come back home and he would be sitting exactly where I left him on the freaking couch. I was pissed and told him that he need to leave…. to be cont..