My Life, My Words! (its not meant for everyone)

This post is more of me venting about life and the pain I've gone through (and still going through). Reflecting that's what I'll say that I'm doing

Every since my mom passed away I've gone through so many changes in my life. I've gone through a slight depression (didn't even realize that I have), moved out of New York, Unemployment... Etc. You get it I'm going through a lot of different changes in my life. I do notice one thing that has changed and that is my relationship with God. I'm not saying that I don't believe in God or anything like that, I'm merely saying that I don't feel the closeness that I once did. Yes, I know it’s all on me and I'm trying to regain the confidence I once I had when saying that I am a Christian. I am far from perfect and I'm not trying to be. (I'm speaking honestly here) I'm just trying to get through each day without having a mental breakdown because things aren't going as I feel they should. It’s like one minute I see everything so clear but in that same minute things become blurry. This has been by far the worst year I've ever remember in my life. I lost not only my mom and aunt but I lost apart of myself in the mist of it all. I wonder did a part of me die when my mom died. I wonder this everyday that I wake up and I find myself in the same situation as I did last month, unemployed, staying with family, and alone. 

I find that when I write it takes me to a place where I don't have to worry about what the next person thinks about me. However, this remains untrue because I still get people’s opinions on how I should be, what I should write about and so forth. Should I let this get to me, maybe not but somehow it does. I had a breakdown the other day and it was like a ton of bricks sitting on my heart and there was no way I could get them off. (I was hurting more than ever) I wanted my mom and that wasn't possible, and all I could do is scream to myself because I didn't want to startle anyone in the house with my screams. Do you know how hard it is to suppress the screams that I needed to let out? I called for my mother and I asked God why he had to take her from me. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror because I just saw a reflection of her. I don't look exactly like my mom but believe me we all (my siblings) have some resemblance of her. I called my father and he didn't pick up (I'm glad he didn't because he still have the same pain as I do) and I called my aunt (which looks just like my mom) she didn't pick up. So I called my sister and she picked up and all I could was ask her why couldn't I speak to Mommy, why did I have to feel this pain. She was probably shocked because everyone sees me as the strong one. (I maybe strong but my heart hurts just the same) All she could say was look at video's of my mommy to see if that would make me feel better. I told her sorry for calling her like that and I would call her back later. Did this make me feel better, No it sure didn't. I couldn't stop my tears if someone told me they would give me a million dollars to stop form crying. I would definitely lose that challenge and there would be absolutely nothing I can do about it. You probably wonder why I didn’t just pray, Right! Well I was pissed off because I know God took her home to be with him and he was the reason I felt this way. Again don't get me wrong I know that everything that happened is for a reason and I'm human so it’s okay that I felt the way I did. Just because you’re a Christian doesn't mean that you shouldn't be angry sometimes. It just means you sometimes need to reflect and let go of the anger and hurt that you feel. I called another aunt (thank God I have a huge family) she was the closet to my mom. She got on the phone and started congratulating me on the job that I said I got (still waiting on them to call) on Facebook. All I could say was auntie I miss her so much. I know she wasn't expecting me to call her like this but I did.  I called her because she is the closest thing I have to my mother. She explained to me that my mom wouldn't want me to be down like this and she would want me to live my life. I understand that but until someone loses a parent especially a mother then you would know it’s the hardest thing ever. We talked and she told me that she and another aunt of mine had a moment as well. She expressed how time is getting closer to the holidays in which everyone cooks and goes to each other houses. Then not to mention Christmas and New Years Eve (the day my mom died) this will be a very hard time for me. Anyway the talked helped and she kept reminding me that my daughter didn't need to see me like that. I know she didn't but I can’t hide the hurt I feel from losing my mother and I'm not going to hid that from her. 

Point to my writing this is that everyone feels that because you’re a certain religion there are guidelines that your suppose to follow. Well I don't have guidelines I have my belief in God and I know all the things that are not good in his eyes. However remember Jesus had a past (not saying a bad past but he had one) he had a family, he was born into sin. Why was he born into sin "So that we could live" and because of this people need to realize that there is a reason for everything we do. We have to learn from those mistakes and experiences that we go through. I will share with you my mistakes and my experiences so that maybe one day someone will read them and before making the same mistake I did they may take a different route instead. I'm not perfect and I'm not trying to be (keeping it real) all I can be is me and if that isn't enough for some then that's your problem. I'm tired of trying to please everyone else. I'm tired of feeling alone and not having the comfort of my mom. I'm going to continue on with my journey and I won’t be surprised by the bumps and bruises along the way. I'll keep on going until God tells me different. Until next time.... 

By the way I did watch some of the videos later on that day and saw my mommy and heard her laugh, scream, and even dances. It wasn't what I wanted but it helped me out a little.