The feeling of the unknown

Throughout my transitions I've made once my mom passed away had me thinking. Did I make the right decisions in regards to my life, my child's life? Did I run away to forget that she was gone? Am I depressed and I don't know it? Why do I cry? Why do I feel so lost yet everyone around me is moving forward.

I have a right to hurt but do I have the right to hide that hurt. I smile on the outside but my spirit yearns for help. It's hard to pray, it's hard to believe that things are going to get better. How can I feel ok when a part of me is gone? I reverted back to ways that I asked God to take away. I lash out to those who don't deserve it. No one knows my hurt, no one understand that I sometimes want to disappear. Here I am again at a place where I found happiness but the happiness is at a distance and I'm trying to reach it. I speak joy into my life but because my faith is weak the joy is not as abundant as I know it can be. I prayed and ask God to give me peace. (But I'm still searching for it)

Church isn't the same, I sit and I listen as the words don’t penetrate in my soul as they once did. What's wrong with me I say? Who is this person that I see before me. I don't recognize myself sometimes and the truth sometimes scares me. I know that God has a plan for my life but I don't know what that plan is. Maybe the reason I can't find a job because I need to be back at that place where I recognize the person who looks back at me in the mirror. That's it, I need to look at her and tell her that it will be ok. It's fine that people know my truth. It's ok to know that I hurt and sometimes I don't know why. It's ok to learn that I am not made of steel. I can't catch everyone else tears anymore and I can't hold them up if I am not standing on my own strong foundation. I need to rebuild those cracks that my foot keeps getting stuck in. I need me!

Hello Jeanine,
       
        You are loved, liked and blessed and don't you ever forget that. Let's just take it one step at a time. If you fall get up and keep on going. You will have some bruises along the way. You will have some disappointments as well but remember I am by your side always and forever.

Love
     Me!

P.S. Don't forget to give God his praise because without him you wouldn't have found me again...


Comments

  1. UnknownOctober 12, 2013 at 9:03 AM

    Omg cuzzin u gote in tears I love it this is me smh thank u 5 openin my eyes nd I'm do sincerely srry god came 4 his child tears happy/sad tesrs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TinkaniahOctober 18, 2013 at 10:45 PM

      I'm glad I can help cousin, stay strong. You'll be just fine. I'm strong, just the way my mother created me to be.

      Delete

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