My journey cont.. Part 11
He didn’t seem like he wanted to leave even though I was being so mean to him. It was like I couldn’t help myself and being mean was my way of showing that I cared. That night when he left I made the decision to call it quits. I no longer wanted to be bother by the man who only loved and cared about me. (just silly) I called him that night and told him that we needed to talk the next time he came over. He insisted that I tell him what I needed to tell him right then. He asked if I was trying to break up with him and I lied and told him no. I didn’t want to say it over the phone that I didn’t want to be with him. He then told me that he was coming back over so that I could tell him what I needed to. I told him not to come and when we get up over the weekend I would let him know.
I had it all planned out that night. I wrote him a nice letter explaining why we couldn’t continue with the relationship. I explained to him about how my dad hurt me and trusting men was very hard for me. I told him that I didn’t know how to accept the love that he was giving me and felt like he deserve someone that would. I swear about an hour later I get a knock on my door and its him. The crazy thing is the rest of my family went out and I was the only one in the house. I couldn’t believe this man came all the way over after I told him not to come over. It made me smile knowing that he cared so much for me. Yet, I was about to break his heart and I had now lost all the confidence I had to do it. He came in and sat down with his coat on and just stared at me. It was like he was searching for something deep in me. I was nervous and sat on the other couch with my face in my hands. I gave him the letter and went into the bathroom because I couldn’t look at him as he read the letter. I sat in the bathroom for about 5 minutes. I heard him crying and couldn’t believe that I was hurting him like that. He came and knocked on the bathroom door and I pretended as if I was crying and didn’t want him to see me like that. He wasn’t taking no for an answer and started to pick at the lock. I told him to give me a second and I will be right out. I looked at myself in the mirror and asked myself “ what the heck was wrong with me. ” I finally came out the bathroom and he was standing right there waiting for me. He took me by the arms and just stared in my face and asked me why was I pushing him away. I told him that I couldn’t be with him and that he needed to be with someone else. I couldn’t look him in his eyes without seeing right through his soul. He was hurt and confused and wanted some answers. I took his hands off of me and told him that I no longer wanted to be with him and that was it period!. He came from behind me and hugged on me so tight. He whispered to me “ I will never let you push me away. I will always love you and want you”. It felt so good for that moment but something inside me just snapped and I freed myself from his grasp. I turned and looked straight into his eyes and said No I don’t want this right now. I could just hear his heart break into two pieces and his eyes became glossy. I walked towards my door and opened it and told him to leave. He stood there and would not move. I asked him nicely to leave because I was beginning to feel emotional and didn’t want him to see that side of me. He came over to me and kissed me and slid my hand off the door. I was hooked and couldn’t stop kissing him. I wanted him and he wanted me but I was still unsure if I could trust him. He stopped kissing me and told me that I needed to stop pushing him away because he was here to stay.Minutes later my parents came in the house and we were in the middle of the living room hugging. My dad hit him on his back and told him you’re a brave man. I couldn’t have agreed more…lol That night he stayed and we just laid on the couch and talked all night until I fell asleep. he held on to me while we talked but I woke up to see him staring at me and that freaked me out a little. I asked why was he staring at me and he just smile and say because I love you. … to be cont..
I had it all planned out that night. I wrote him a nice letter explaining why we couldn’t continue with the relationship. I explained to him about how my dad hurt me and trusting men was very hard for me. I told him that I didn’t know how to accept the love that he was giving me and felt like he deserve someone that would. I swear about an hour later I get a knock on my door and its him. The crazy thing is the rest of my family went out and I was the only one in the house. I couldn’t believe this man came all the way over after I told him not to come over. It made me smile knowing that he cared so much for me. Yet, I was about to break his heart and I had now lost all the confidence I had to do it. He came in and sat down with his coat on and just stared at me. It was like he was searching for something deep in me. I was nervous and sat on the other couch with my face in my hands. I gave him the letter and went into the bathroom because I couldn’t look at him as he read the letter. I sat in the bathroom for about 5 minutes. I heard him crying and couldn’t believe that I was hurting him like that. He came and knocked on the bathroom door and I pretended as if I was crying and didn’t want him to see me like that. He wasn’t taking no for an answer and started to pick at the lock. I told him to give me a second and I will be right out. I looked at myself in the mirror and asked myself “ what the heck was wrong with me. ” I finally came out the bathroom and he was standing right there waiting for me. He took me by the arms and just stared in my face and asked me why was I pushing him away. I told him that I couldn’t be with him and that he needed to be with someone else. I couldn’t look him in his eyes without seeing right through his soul. He was hurt and confused and wanted some answers. I took his hands off of me and told him that I no longer wanted to be with him and that was it period!. He came from behind me and hugged on me so tight. He whispered to me “ I will never let you push me away. I will always love you and want you”. It felt so good for that moment but something inside me just snapped and I freed myself from his grasp. I turned and looked straight into his eyes and said No I don’t want this right now. I could just hear his heart break into two pieces and his eyes became glossy. I walked towards my door and opened it and told him to leave. He stood there and would not move. I asked him nicely to leave because I was beginning to feel emotional and didn’t want him to see that side of me. He came over to me and kissed me and slid my hand off the door. I was hooked and couldn’t stop kissing him. I wanted him and he wanted me but I was still unsure if I could trust him. He stopped kissing me and told me that I needed to stop pushing him away because he was here to stay.Minutes later my parents came in the house and we were in the middle of the living room hugging. My dad hit him on his back and told him you’re a brave man. I couldn’t have agreed more…lol That night he stayed and we just laid on the couch and talked all night until I fell asleep. he held on to me while we talked but I woke up to see him staring at me and that freaked me out a little. I asked why was he staring at me and he just smile and say because I love you. … to be cont..
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