At a lost for words!!

Why is it that when I’m doing well, things start to fall apart. I know it’s been a while and it always seems like I take forever to post up a blog, but I promise you it’s not because I don’t want to. It’s more like life is kicking me in the ass and I don’t know how to stop it. Some reading this may tell me to pray, I’ve done that and as soon as things start turning around BAM!! I am hit with something else.  I had honestly hoped that I could go one year without another death in my family. Wrong, I’ve been dealing with death in my family since 2012 and it’s been a battle since then.  The loss of my mother was excruciating and the pain never stops. I find that what happens is the pain subsides until a memory or event happens.  That’s when I begin to question why do I have to go through this. Seems like I’m right back at that same point again, why? The reason I say this is because my Godmother died last month and it was so unexpected. She goes from having a cold to having major surgery on the heart to repair a valve. I still feel like I was just talking to her in the hospital while holding her hand. We talked about how she wanted me to start cooking for her and helping her go back to not eating meat.  She was supposed to still be here with her family. How it is that such another beautiful soul could be taken from us.  For me, it was like losing another mother all over again. I started to feel lost and found myself drinking to mask the pain. I felt like I was alone and had no one to reach out to. Honestly, I still feel that way because no one will ever understand the relationship I had with her. She would give the shirt off her back and feed you and the five children she has, just so that you wouldn’t go without. She gave so much of herself that even on her sick bed she was worried about everyone else but herself. I try not to think about the pain she went through while being sick but it’s hard when she died from the same reasons my mom did. I truly believe that a person can only take so much before they lose it. No one will understand how it took everything in me to walk into that hospital and watch as she laid there, scared. My Super Godma scared of the possibility of dying.  I didn’t think she could have a scared bone in her body; she was strong in everything that she did. She even prayed for the family and herself a week before she passed away. I was there to hear the strength and wisdom that I always loved to listen too. I had the chance to hold her hand while she prayed and she squeezed my hand. I knew that meant that she needed me to be strong and that she always prays for me and my daughter.  We didn’t have to talk every day or see each other every day.  I knew that she knew I loved her and our bond was never broken. I always prayed that my God brothers and God sister’s would never have to go through this hurt. Her death has brought them closer together and I watch from afar because it hurts me to see them and know she’s gone. I try to remember all the encouraging things she said to me in the years growing up with her being in my life. It hurts because I’ve driven past her house and wanted to call or just stop by. I just wish someone could explain to me why we have to go through this type of pain. How does losing someone make us stronger people?  I understand we have to keep on going because this is what our loved ones would want us to do. However, does anyone ever really take the time out to see that death can be so painful that you almost wish you could just die to avoid going through it?  I was told while at my godmother's funeral that I needed to be strong.  My response to this was; why do I have to be strong? Why it is a person cannot mourn without being told this. I wanted to cry and scream because it wasn’t fair that she was gone, or to see my brothers and sister I grew up with go through this pain. It just wasn’t and isn’t fair that we can’t hold on to them forever.

No one can ever tell you that you shouldn’t cry and you should be strong during the time of mourning a lost a family/friend. It is your right to cry and do what you need to help you get through it. I cry and I know it’s okay because I lost two beautiful souls. I thought they would be here to see me get my books published, get married etc. I cry even at the thought that I cannot have either of them here to celebrate my accomplishments.  Sure they would be proud, but I would be happier to have them here with me. It may be selfish to think like this but I tell anyone in a heartbeat. If you ever lost or have lost your mother your life will never be the same. We in my case I’ve lost two and just how am I suppose to be okay with it. I know drinking and lashing out will only get me so far, and that’s why I’m taking it one day at a time. My point in this post is simple. RESPECT YOUR MOTHER AND LOVE ON HER AS MUCH AS YOU CAN. You are only blessed with one and for that, you should always remember the pain she went through to bring you into this world. I can promise you this, there are children who were born into this world and their mothers died while giving birth to them. Ask them the one thing they wish they could have in t his world? I can bet my life that it would be to have their mother here in their lives.  No mother is perfect and neither is a child. If you’re having issues with your mother, please mend things and try to get in a place where you can both be there for each other. My only wish in this world is to be able to have her back!! Don’t let this be you.