At a breaking point!

I woke up this morning feeling like the day was going to be great until I felt a tear roll down my face.  I knew why it fell, but I wasn’t ready to deal with it. I’m at a breaking point in my life and now I’m finally feeling it. I’ve always been great at masking my pain and hurt from a child and now as an adult. However, the only problem is I never know when something or someone will bring me to this point. I know that it’s not good to hold in your feelings, but I never let them out in fear of hurting someone.  Yet, I hurt myself more by not saying it when it needs to be said and now I as I write I cry. I wasn’t expecting this feeling this morning; I just needed the pain to stay hidden in my heart.  It hurts me even more now because last night my daughter told me that the reason she shows no emotions is because of me. Wow, I never knew that she put on that same brave face as I do, only to mask her true feelings. I now have to find a way to break this cycle because it’s a hurtful one. You feel alone, used and not loved at some point during these breakdowns. I guess I need to start dealing with the real issues at hand so that I can move past this and enjoy the rest of my day.

The one I'm dealing with right now is my breakup, I feel like the decision made was the right one, but she’s hurting and I don’t like it. Some things were said out of anger and I didn’t let it bother me because I knew why they were said.  She has a right to feel how she didn’t have a right to disrespect me. I never once in our entire relationship disrespected her in the way she did me. Words are more powerful than you actually hitting a person but I still never said anything that would damage even the possibility of being friends one day. I loved her with all of my heart, but I knew things had changed. I wasn’t the same person she first met. I told her these things and I tried to go back to that person she wanted me to be. I couldn’t and I sought other people to talk to. I did eventually befriend someone during the time I was with my girlfriend, but the other person was just a friend. Is that cheating? She said it was because I had started given my time to someone else. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it did. I wasn’t trying to be with the other person and I’m still not. I rather be single and find my peace again, so that whenever that time comes again for me to love someone I can. I can’t love anyone if I still have some issues unresolved in my heart. I still question where things went wrong and  if there was a way I could fix them. Well unfortunately I will never know because we have; blocked, deleted, and erased pictures from each other’s phones and lives.  Well, there is nothing I can do about that and honestly I don’t want to. I have to move on with my life and so does she, I always wish her the best in everything that she does in life. I know one day I’ll see her owning her own restaurant. She can cook her ass off and she has all the paperwork and experience to back it up. (Guess I missing her cooking a little, okay a lot lol) If you’re reading this then you know that I never meant to hurt you and I will always have a place for you in my heart. You were my first and I’m glad I got to experience it with you. So thank you for opening my eyes to see that it’s not about the gender but about the love a person gives you.

As I write I always feel better because this is therapeutic to me. I don’t need music or someone to talk to about my issue. I just need my heart poured onto a piece of paper and it makes my world a better place. Someone told me that fear will stop you from getting what you want in life. My response to this was I’m not afraid, but I had to really think about it and may that person was right. Maybe, I’m afraid to let my guard down and because I’m afraid if I take a chance I may not succeed. Well, I guess it’s time to look fear in the face and tell it to go to hell because I’m just going to go with my heart.  It’s never too late to have a fresh start at the things you really want in life. If you want it bad enough and it's meant for you then all you have to do is continue to try. I sent out as inspirational text message yesterday morning, as I often do when I’m feeling inspired.  It was talking about helping people and how you can’t help anyone that isn’t open to your help. However, you can’t take on the responsibility for someone else’s actions. You lend helping hand and they choose to go with something different. I had to remind myself that anytime I help someone it’s done with no intent of receiving anything. I do unto others as I would want to be done to me. Can I say I always get the same respect I give out, no! I don’t and it hurts me, but I don’t say anything and I find myself at this place again. (Another thing I tuck away) I’m learning every day and I know my mom would be proud of the woman that I’ve become. I get my strength and pretty looks from her lol (some humor to lighten up the blog) However, in getting her strength I find that I have some of her flaws and one of them is holding in everything. I don’t want my daughter to grow up and feel like she can’t express herself because that will hurt any relationship she will ever have in the future. It’s time to reprogram both her and I minds on letting go of things the moment it hurts. I’m going to get it together and continue on with my day with a smile. Just know that people can only do what you let them do. The effect people have on your life is a power you give them.  Let’s stop giving power over our lives and start being bold enough to say when it hurts first hand.  Let's not dwell on the moment and let it sink in and stay in our hearts. I speak this to myself as I speak it to you. Be blessed

Until Next time.