Behind closed doors

This week was supposed to be filled with joy and happiness, but it wasn’t. It was my birthday and I should’ve had the best week ever. However, I was feeling very alone and depressed. Thank God for my coworkers who made me feel somewhat special. They treated me out to a Mexican restaurant for drinks and food. I had a blast and got a little tipsy, but it was what I needed. I needed that to forget that I was feeling sad because I didn’t get a cake or much less a card. Should I not feel this way because I’m older? Yes, I can feel this way knowing that I have family and my friends that I always show love to on any special occasions. Why can’t I at least expect a card that says happy birthday? Well I have put my feelings to the side so that I can face what it is that I’m dealing with today and that’s “Depression”

Depression is real; it’s as you real as you being sick with the flu or even worse. Depression causes so many illness and worst Death by Suicide. I’m not trying to self-diagnosis myself as being depressed, but I do know that I have been really down and my moods change with the wind. I’ve read some articles about the causes of depression and I’ve found that it could be something simple as a life-changing event that can cause you to go into a depression. I feel like losing my grandfather has brought back feelings of losing my mother and aunt two years ago. I’m still grieving over the loss of my mother every day. I try not to stay in the moment of missing her because I often find myself getting stuck in that place. The place of feeling alone, unworthy, unloved and lost.

“When you have depression, it's more than feeling sad. Intense feelings of sadness and other symptoms, like losing interest in things you enjoy, may last for a while. Depression is a medical illness, not a sign of weakness. And it's treatable.” http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/causes-depression

I realize that so many people have these same feelings, but they don’t voice it to anyone. We hide our hurt and pain with a smile or laugh. I’ve been doing this for so many years that it’s like second nature to me. Unfortunately, I then get to a place where I feel like I can’t hold it in anymore and I cry, scream, lose my appetite and lose weight. People around me notice that something’s different, but they may just see it as Jeanine’s having another bad day. I’m not the type of person that shares my problems I may have whether it be financial, physically or mentally. I’ve always learned how to deal with my own issues without the help of anyone else. Some may question why I don’t turn to family or friends for help. Well, when you’ve grown accustomed to doing things on your own; it becomes difficult for to be vulnerable in anyone’s eyes.  Everyone sees me as the strong one, the responsible one, the loving and caring one. No one sees the hurting little girl who wants someone to hug her and say that it will be okay. So, I smile and pretend that I am all of those things even when at times I’m not.

I’ve been handling this on my own for a very long time but now I feel like it’s time to say HELP ME so that I don’t get into a deep dark place of no return. I know that it’s okay to ask for help, but you also have to make sure it’s the right kind of help. There are people who are always willing to help, but they may not give you the help you need. You’ll end up feeling more lost and hurt than you were prior to speaking to them. If someone has their own issues that you’re aware of; believe me, they’re not the right person to talk to. Pray and seek guidance from God if you’re a believer, seek professional help if you feel that a person can be the only one to fix your problems. I’m just asking you that you don’t allow yourself to get into a place where your thoughts are that death is a better solution than life. 

I think back to how my mother use to hold everything in and not tell us what was wrong. She would cry and lock herself away from others. I have done the same exact thing all my life, but the difference between me and her is I’m willing to seek the help I may need. My mother died hurting and I know that because the last time I saw her; I remember asking her was she tired and she mumbled yes. I wasn’t asking her was she sleepy tired but tired of the life she was living. She understood what I had asked her because her eyes were glossy after she answered me. Now, I had no idea that it would be the last time I would see her alive but I got it. She no longer had any fight left in her heart to live not even for her children. It saddens me to believe this, but I’m being honest with myself. I love my daughter with every being in my soul and there isn’t anything in this world I wouldn’t do for her. I’ll even die for her but not because I became ill and decided not to fight but because someone ask me would I give my life for hers. There is a big difference and I am now realizing that I have to live for me so that I can live for her. No more excuses about how life could be better. It’s about making my life better in the end. 

Again, I could write about this forever because it affects so many people and some choose death over life. I’m choosing life over death and I’m hoping and praying that what I wrote touches someone today. I hope it gives them strength to come from behind the door and use the voice they’ve been blessed with and say HELP ME. Someone is ready for you to pick up the phone though they might not even know it yet; to help you get through this rough patch in your life. I thank God for my ex who has been there to help me get through this and she didn’t know that she was. So until next time be blessed