Jays Journey!

Today was a rough day at work, I had a good night and I had hoped that it would’ve rolled over to today. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case and I lost it.  I had a lot to do at work today and I felt like I was going to never finish. After finally getting back to the office, I had a breakdown and I cried because I don’t feel like this is it for me. You ever think to yourself “this can’t be all that life has to offer me” well that was the exact thought I was having when the tears starting falling. However, I thought to myself “is this all that I’m offering myself”.  I knew that I had to pray today as I do every day.  As I was delivering the mail; Tasha Cobb song kept playing in my head and all I could do was sing. The song was For you Glory, and it was one part that kept making me tear up; “Lord if I find favor in your sight, lord please hear my hearts cry, I’ll cross the hottest desert to be where you are”. The word stuck with me because I had to ask god to guide me and...

This week was supposed to be filled with joy and happiness, but it wasn’t. It was my birthday and I should’ve had the best week ever. However, I was feeling very alone and depressed. Thank God for my coworkers who made me feel somewhat special. They treated me out to a Mexican restaurant for drinks and food. I had a blast and got a little tipsy, but it was what I needed. I needed that to forget that I was feeling sad because I didn’t get a cake or much less a card. Should I not feel this way because I’m older? Yes, I can feel this way knowing that I have family and my friends that I always show love to on any special occasions. Why can’t I at least expect a card that says happy birthday? Well I have put my feelings to the side so that I can face what it is that I’m dealing with today and that’s “ Depression ” Depression is real; it’s as you real as you being sick with the flu or even worse. Depression causes so many illness and worst Death by Suicide. I’m not trying to self-diagn...

These past few weeks have been crazy and I’m feeling depleted. My energy is low and I’m even losing weight. I’ve tried to understand why I am going through all that I am and still I can’t come up with anything. My grandfather died on Father’s Day and that really hurt my heart to the core. I was just planning a vacation to go back home and spend time with him. I didn’t make it and didn’t realize that the last time I would get to see him again would be in a casket; saying goodbye for the last time. I went back home for the funeral and to my surprise I found myself being depressed and it was because I was staying at my mother’s house. The memories were flooding my mind; I felt myself waiting for her to emerge from her room and say hello. That didn’t happen and I couldn’t take it. I cried for the time I was there, but I also found myself drinking the entire time I was there too. I couldn’t wait to leave, but I was also sad because I knew that it would be a long time before I see my family ...

Yesterday should’ve been a joyous occasion being that it was Father’s Day, but it wasn’t because my grandfather passed away. I had planned on going to see him next month, but I didn’t make it in time to see him.  It hurt my heart so bad because I assumed that he was going to be around long enough for me to spend time with him. Lesson learned; never put off something you can do today. I know he’s not in pain anymore and he can finally rest in peace, but it still hurts. My grandfather was the best fisherman I ever knew; I will never forget the times he would come in from fishing and have a cooler full of different fish. He was a no-nonsense man and he didn’t like loud noise. I remember once we were on our way to our family reunion and he started screaming at the kids to be quiet. We all kept laughing and playing, but that was all put to a stop when he demanded one of my aunts to get a switch. We were quiet the rest of the trip. He always had stories to tell me about his time...

I woke up this morning feeling like the day was going to be great until I felt a tear roll down my face.  I knew why it fell, but I wasn’t ready to deal with it. I’m at a breaking point in my life and now I’m finally feeling it. I’ve always been great at masking my pain and hurt from a child and now as an adult. However, the only problem is I never know when something or someone will bring me to this point. I know that it’s not good to hold in your feelings, but I never let them out in fear of hurting someone.  Yet, I hurt myself more by not saying it when it needs to be said and now I as I write I cry. I wasn’t expecting this feeling this morning; I just needed the pain to stay hidden in my heart.  It hurts me even more now because last night my daughter told me that the reason she shows no emotions is because of me. Wow, I never knew that she put on that same brave face as I do, only to mask her true feelings. I now have to find a way to break this cycle because i...

I’ve been trying to get my mind right since I broke up with my girlfriend.  Things haven’t been the same and I’ve been trying to put it behind me, but I’m learning that I have to face this head on. If I feel like crying, screaming, laughing or even writing then it’s what I will do.  A break up is never easy especially if you try to break up on good terms, but the other person feels different. I was once told that I am not responsible for other people’s happiness and that is the truth. I am only responsible for my happiness; however, I can’t help but think how she is holding up. It hasn’t been long, but it hurts like hell when at one point you saw forever with the person you once loved.  How can you move past it without constantly thinking about the other person it? I have to is what I tell me myself. I still have to live my life (but it hurts so badly). I feel like there are few people who are placed in your life for a lifetime, but there are also people that come in...

                                                        (I do not own this picture)                                                        I woke up this morning feeling like I really needed to write. I got in from work last night and slept all night long. I did eventually wake up and use the bathroom and I browsed on Facebook and Instagram for a little bit. However, I had a restless night and my dreams were all over the place. I woke up with a slight attitude because I feel like I am tired of people and their lies and excuses. I can say that I’ve had made excuses for some of the things gone wrong in my life, but I can say now that I have no more excuses left. Have you ever been tired of being tired? Well,...

This post may offend some and it may not but if you know like I know that the first line already warns you. So take heed to the warning!!! The topic is about being unsatisfied in a relationship; mentally, physically, sexually but mostly emotionally.  I often question myself when it comes to making sure that I am satisfying my partner. I always feel like I do a good job in all areas of the relationship but that all changes when you’re told otherwise. It blew my mind to think that I’m doing pretty good only to be shot down and told to try again. Me, try again, Huh. This is not happening and I know that it hasn’t happened before.  However, I guess even the most confident person can be shot down and told that something’s isn't working. Some things like what you may be thinking because I was thinking the same thing when I was told I wasn’t. I will go through each word that I mentioned previously before. Mentally : I always feel that you have to be on the same page men...

Today was a rough day for me at work, I had so much mail and packages that I wanted to get sick and go home. I fought through it and made it back safe and sound. I had to keep a positive outlook on things to push through.  I find that with my profession it isn’t always easy to keep a positive attitude. You have to deal with so many different personalities, job duties, and pressure from management. I’m learning that even though I want to complain about all the extra things I’m asked to do, I can’t complain because I’m blessed to have a job that provides for me and my family. I have gone through so many different adversities in my life and it has only made me the strong woman that I am today. I feel like some people attract problems into their own lives. You want to be successful but you’re always complaining about your job, finances, and the relationships you have built. What have you changed within yourself to become successful in your career? Have you gone back to sch...

Guess who finally has a day off, ME! Work is kicking my butt but I’m not complaining. I have a job that provides for me and my family, so for that I am grateful. However there is this one topic that I have to write about because it’s been on my mind for a while now. Love or Lust; what’s the difference, and how do we separate them.  I’ve experienced both love and lust but I knew that it wasn’t the same. However I don’t believe some get that there’s a difference.  Do I think that you can lust over someone and have real feelings, yes I absolutely do. However that doesn’t make you love the person. It just makes you have feelings for that person.  I’ve been in a situation where I developed a friendship and it was a great but the person started to tell me that they love me. I was blown away because in such a short amount of time they felt that it was love that they were feeling. How is it possible to love a person that you barely know? Don’t get me wrong, I honestly believ...

I woke up this morning feeling this pain of lost. I got up like normal and cooked myself some breakfast and got ready for work. I turned on the radio and I was listening to Joel Osteen as I do most of the time while driving to work. He was talking about people being placed into other people’s lives to help them. He was spot on with what he was talking about because I was just having the same exact conversation with a co-worker. I always felt that I was bought into this world to help people heal from my words. In hearing this it made me think about my mother because she had the biggest heart when it came to helping others. She would clothe, feed and even give them a place to rest their heads. I remember growing up and most of my older cousins had lived with us. Mind you my mom had six children in a three bedroom apartment but that didn’t matter they needed help and she helped them. I know that I am the replica of my mother and my heart is big because of her. This gift that I have...

I’m up and can’t sleep and I thought what a better way to kill time other than to do what I love best. I’ve been going through a rough time dealing with the lost of my mom and a relationship that I’m trying to fix.  I’m realizing that I have lost a lot of people that I love due to death and growth. What I mean by growth is that my perspective on life has changed every since my mother passed away. I value my life and my time but notice that as time has gone by people have strayed away or I’ve stayed away from them.  Maybe it was their time to go and as hard it can be to lose someone that you love; you have to let go sometimes. I’m not talking about recent relationships; I’m talking about relationships that were built from a child. I’m talking about people who looked me in the face and said that they loved me and that they would always be there for me. Whelp, that isn’t the case and as much as I want to reach out and ask what went wrong; I rather let it go and move past it. I b...

I know it’s been a minute since I’ve written anything and I have no excuse for it. I just felt lost and didn’t know what I should and could write about. This has happened to me before and I have allowed it to happen to me again. I swear this will be the last time that I allow anyone or anything to stop me from doing something I love. I stopped writing because I feared my partner would be upset that I shared some personal information about our relationship with the world. Yet, this is exactly what I did before getting into a relationship. I shared with all my readers the truth about me and what I was going through in my life. So why stop you may be wondering? For love, for the fear of hurting someone’s feelings! Absolutely, but in doing this I lost myself and my outlet in letting go of things I was going through.  I’m not saying that I have to share all of my deepest thoughts or my craziest situations. However, I find that sharing my life stories has helped me in so many ways and t...