Taking back your life!

I know it’s been a minute since I’ve written anything and I have no excuse for it. I just felt lost and didn’t know what I should and could write about. This has happened to me before and I have allowed it to happen to me again. I swear this will be the last time that I allow anyone or anything to stop me from doing something I love. I stopped writing because I feared my partner would be upset that I shared some personal information about our relationship with the world. Yet, this is exactly what I did before getting into a relationship. I shared with all my readers the truth about me and what I was going through in my life. So why stop you may be wondering? For love, for the fear of hurting someone’s feelings! Absolutely, but in doing this I lost myself and my outlet in letting go of things I was going through.  I’m not saying that I have to share all of my deepest thoughts or my craziest situations. However, I find that sharing my life stories has helped me in so many ways and to my surprise it has helped out other people.

So to find myself in a place where I’m lost again and my emotions are uncontrollable is a horrible. I feel that no one should have to lose themselves because of love or the fear or hurting someone. Guess who got hurt the most ME!! I knew that there were things that I wanted to write about but my heart wouldn’t let me do it. Now I’m not going to say that my partner didn’t sometimes encourage me to write because she knew that I loved too. However, when you’re going through a fight within yourself and relationship it’s hard to do anything. I had to come to grips with myself and take control of this situation of letting my talent go to waste and letting my emotions dictate what I want out of life. I knew that I wanted to be happy and I didn’t want to cry anymore! Do you ever think that someone or something can have so much control over your life that you forget who you are? You look in the mirror and you no longer recognize the person you’re looking at. You start to question are you worth loving, are you beautiful and are you destined to fail? I’m sure there are many other questions we ask ourselves when we go through the changes of losing who we are. These were my question to me and only me. I cried because I remembered a time where I was in the same place with my daughter’s father.  I stop writing for about 8 years because I loved him more than I did myself. I loved the thought of being loved but not realizing that the love that I was getting was doing more harm than good. I just wanted to be loved and it didn’t matter the cost of what I lost. I lost who I was, my own Identity.

I know this woman who is going through a relationship that is more harmful than it is good for her right now. The person she is with is controlling and manipulative. She doesn’t realize that being told when, how and what to do with your life by someone else is her losing herself. I honestly tried to be there as a friend and I was thrown in the middle of the mess that is called their relationship. She was being thrown in the streets and being told she wasn’t worth being with. This made her doubt her ability to be the person she is and she was lost. “Lost because other person said she was only good for two things; a pretty face and good head (oral sex)”. She was crying out for help and I did something that I said I wouldn’t do. Which was allow someone else situations to become my own and in doing so I neglected my own relationship.  I’m not the type of person to look away when someone needs help. It’s in me to try and help anyone. I did that and now I’m in a place where I’m trying to mend my own relationship because I got caught up trying to save someone. I won’t go into too many details about my experience in helping her out because all she did was after helping her get out the situation; she went right back to her. I guess she will have to figure something out for herself much like I had to with my daughter’s father. I wish her the best in all she does but I cannot and will not be a part of it.  My own relationship isn’t worth the mess but now I’m trying to repair what I broke.  (That is a whole different blog….lol) When you love someone and its true love and you’re the cause for the problems then it’s your job to fix it. I love my baby so much and I was willing to let her go because my mind was all over the place. My heart was still hers but my mind was trying to fix other people’s problems. We had our own problems and I was too busy getting upset because she was trying to interfere with what I was doing. Am I wrong for this yes I truly am! However, I know who I am as a person and my worth. I’m worth loving!! And there’s nothing wrong with helping anyone. Just remember that some things can be fixed but when a person is lost you have to let them find themselves first. Once they do than maybe you can help them but until then don’t allow anyone else issues become your own. It felt so good to get back to writing and I appreciate all the support and love from all of my readers. I’m back and hopefully I will continue to be back on track so that I can help someone out. Until next time!