Remembering Her!

I woke up this morning feeling this pain of lost. I got up like normal and cooked myself some breakfast and got ready for work. I turned on the radio and I was listening to Joel Osteen as I do most of the time while driving to work. He was talking about people being placed into other people’s lives to help them. He was spot on with what he was talking about because I was just having the same exact conversation with a co-worker. I always felt that I was bought into this world to help people heal from my words. In hearing this it made me think about my mother because she had the biggest heart when it came to helping others. She would clothe, feed and even give them a place to rest their heads. I remember growing up and most of my older cousins had lived with us. Mind you my mom had six children in a three bedroom apartment but that didn’t matter they needed help and she helped them. I know that I am the replica of my mother and my heart is big because of her. This gift that I have can be a good and bad thing. You may ask why it would be. Well it’s always great to want to help others when they need it but its bad when you forget to care about yourself. I’m learning as I get older that it’s okay to help others but not to neglect myself.  

I got off work early and came in the house and took a nap because the tears would only stop when I closed my eyes. However, I woke up still feeling the pain and the tears started to fall again. I’m trying so hard not to allow this to affect me in this way but it’s extremely hard for me. The pain of not being able to reach out to my mother is hurting me. I need to hear her voice and tell her that I love her. I’m trying to prepare myself for Mother’s Day. I know that I am a mother and I’m trying to be strong for my daughter but it hurts knowing that I can’t celebrate my mother’s life. All I can do now is write to prevent myself from screaming, hitting something or someone. I’m hoping that with writing this it can possibly help someone else as it is helping me get through this moment.

I believe that I can get through this moment by writing but also by thinking of all the great memories we shared together.  I always say that my relationship with my mother wasn’t always the greatest but she was my rock! I know that I have a lot of good and bad traits that she passed along to me. My mom was very vocal about how she felt about other people and would tell you about yourself real fast..lol Unfortunately, she had a very bad habit of holding in how she felt and what she was going through. If she was hurting or sick we didn’t know it until something bad happened like her first stroke. She was blessed to walk away without any complications and we all were grateful for that. She had another stroke and it affected her speech and her ability to write. I knew that she had been giving another chance at life. I spoke to her and told her that she needed to change her eating habits and to stop letting people stress her out. She promised me that she would try. She got sick again and had another stroke which ultimately lead to her death. She had been tired of dealing with stress and was tired of being sick. My aunt later told me that my mom had been sick but didn't want to let us know and didn't want to go to the doctor. I will never forget my last moments with her. I had just come in from work and I was tired but I still made my way to the hospital to see her. I always say it was God way of letting me say my final goodbye. I was able to comb her hair, lotion her legs, give her water and laugh with her. She told me she was beginning to get feeling back in her left leg and I saw that it  had jerk when I touched it. What I took from my last time seeing her was that I am her first born.I was the first to kiss her hello and last to kiss her goodbye. 

I guess my point in writing this was to remember that even though she’s may not physically be here with me, she’s here in spirit. I am a part of her and she is a part of me. I love her more than life itself but I know she wouldn't want me to forget that I’m a mom and I have to still live each day God bless me with. She loved her kids more than life and I’m glad that she instilled family values in me. Family will always be first and as much as I need her; my daughter feels the same about me. She needs me! I don’t want her to know this feeling and that means I have to move past this moment and LIVE!! Live not only for her but for myself.

So for all those who have gone through a lost of a mother or any other love one, remember the love that they showed you. Remember the laughs and happy moments you had together. It may be hard to do but I promise that it will get easier as each day goes by. This is my way of sending you a big hug and to tell you let’s get through it together.

That’s not all my siblings but you get it. She was loved by all of her children and grand children! We miss you mom.