Restless Night

I’m up and can’t sleep and I thought what a better way to kill time other than to do what I love best. I’ve been going through a rough time dealing with the lost of my mom and a relationship that I’m trying to fix.  I’m realizing that I have lost a lot of people that I love due to death and growth. What I mean by growth is that my perspective on life has changed every since my mother passed away. I value my life and my time but notice that as time has gone by people have strayed away or I’ve stayed away from them.  Maybe it was their time to go and as hard it can be to lose someone that you love; you have to let go sometimes. I’m not talking about recent relationships; I’m talking about relationships that were built from a child. I’m talking about people who looked me in the face and said that they loved me and that they would always be there for me. Whelp, that isn’t the case and as much as I want to reach out and ask what went wrong; I rather let it go and move past it. I believe that in seasons we are supposed to live, learn and prepare for the next season.  I have a habit of trying to fix other people’s issues and in doing so I neglect my own issues. Then my own issues that I have began to build up on top of other issues. This causes me to want to go into my shell and never come out. I start to feel alone, unworthy, lost and eventually it leaves me feeling depressed. Since losing my mom in 2012, I’ve felt like I’ve lost a huge part of me. I know that she’s with me and I shouldn’t feel this way but if your mother is still living; you wouldn’t know the pain that I feel.  I try really hard not to get into that feeling of being lost but its hard when the one person that I know could make things better is gone.  I could talk to her in spirit but that’s easier said than done. Who do you turn too when you feel like no one else understands. Some may say you turn to God, Allah, Buddha or whoever it is that you pray too. I pray all the time and I ask for peace and understanding. Peace so that I can no longer feel that hurt and pain that I’m going through and  Understanding that pain and uncertainty that I’m going through is for my good. You ever find yourself asking am I ever going to get pass this point in my life of not knowing. Not knowing what is the next level in your life. Not knowing if you’re ever going to be able to love someone and not knowing what direction you want to take.  I feel like at some point you have to cut yourself off from the world and take that time out to find where you fit in it. I want to explain a little about what’s going on with the relationship that I’m trying to fix.

As you may know I am in a relationship and everything has been good until I started feeling like I need more. It’s a long distance relationship and I commend anyone that is or have been in one. It’s hard and at times it can be lonely. Well, I won’t lie in my case I felt alone a lot of the time because I wanted my partner to be with me. I needed that tender loving care.. lol I’m sure you understand what I mean but that’s not all I needed. I needed that time and attention. I knew what I had signed up for but it still isn’t easy. I hadn’t been a real relationship since my daughter’s father and here I was after 7 years in a long distance relationship. Some may say why get into a long distance relationship. Well I’ll say that it wasn’t supposed to be a relationship but a friendship. However, you already know once your feelings start getting involved there’s no turning back. I had fallen in love and it was what I wanted but then something changed in me and I started finding everything that wasn’t right in the relationship.  Well what I did was I started talking to someone else about my issues because they too had similar issues that I had.  My issues where not that extreme like hers where but I wanted to help her get through it. I talked to her everyday and gave her my advice. It felt good to have someone who I could help but at the same time I got some attention. I knew that it had gotten out of hand once I started to neglect my own relationship. I was already feeling alone and needed some attention and she gave me that. I knew it wasn’t the right time to build a new friendship with anyone knowing that I had relationship issues. It was easy and convenient because this person lives in the same state as I do. I won’t go all into details on this post but I can say that it was a total mess and now I’m trying to repair it. Would you say that I was cheating even though nothing was going on? Well I was accused of cheating even though I had ended the relationship.  However, I have already started a post on this topic so I won’t continue with it anymore... Lol I will say that I am back with my partner and where trying to rebuild the relationship.

I’m going to attempt to try and go back to sleep... Until next time