Don't let your emotions get the best of you!

I almost let my feelings and emotions get the best of me. I was hurting and I was lashing out the best way I knew how. Yup, with my words! If I can’t physically hurt you then I will hurt you with my words. Let me explain how the situation that I created could’ve gotten worse than it has. I was contemplating on not  writing this entry because I feel like I’m still kind of caught up in my thoughts when it comes to this guy who I thought I loved ( it was lust).  

I spoke to him about things changing between us and I told him that I really didn’t love him. I knew I wasn’t in love with him but I thought that I started finding myself loving him. Well don’t get me wrong I do love the man that he is but not to love him with the intent of being with him. I will admit that I get a little crazy when things start to fall out of place. I need things to be right in order for the gears in my brain not to go off the deep end...lol I am only telling you the truth because as I sit here and write this post I know that I said some things to him that I can’t take back. It wasn’t necessary but I felt like I was being played and I don’t take well to be played. Ask my daughters’ father he knows the consequences of even attempting to play with my emotions. This guy didn’t know and maybe I should have warned him.  As you know he told me that the reason why he treated me so well during my weekend visit with him was because of his ex girlfriend.  (men and woman keep this too yourself, no one wants to know that the ex is the reason your being treated good) He then started to fall back and not give me the same attention I was getting before we had sex.  Oh and get this revelation that he came up with “ he sacrificed not doing well in school because he was given the time he could’ve been doing homework to me” Excuse me if I’m wrong but don’t blame me for not doing what you needed to do. I didn’t lose focus too much when it came to him.  My reaction to all this was hurt and anger and I needed him to know this.  I texted him, emailed him things that I wouldn’t normally say. For example; I told him that he wasn’t that different from other guys and the only difference was that he did things differently then the next dude.  I told him that I gave him a part of me that I was saving for someone who really loved me (I hadn’t had sex in over 6 months and was tired of the casual sex). I went off and with going off the deep end this pushed him away from me. He was hurt by what I said and I knew he wouldn’t tell me that he was. I was hurting and damn it he needed to hurt like I was hurting. Wrong, ladies and gents this is not the way to resolve any issue you may have because of hurting. You see by the time I talked to him again his attitude was like the hell with me. He told me that my feelings where no longer his problem and he felt that I had gone a little crazy on him. This hurt because this was the same person I went to when I was going through my issues and he would make me smile. He no longer wants to be that person and he made that perfectly clear to me.  I felt myself going into a self pity mode and no one loves me attitude. That was far from true and I knew it but I tried to find reasons to make myself sad about the situation. I had a reality check and saw that it wasn’t a healthy feeling and no man or person is worth giving that kind of power to. 

I started to tweet and write on Facebook that I was going through something but at the end of my statement I stated that I would get through it as a hash tag. I had a good friend and a special twitter buddy who recognized that I really needed some inspiration and they gave me that.  It was like every time I would start to think about something that I said to him that was wrong, I would get a text or a tweet at the same time. After a while I found myself not thinking about what I said or did and started focusing on the inspirational words that I was getting. My faith, my wisdom, my love for writing and being an inspiration to others was what I started to concentrate on.  I thought to myself “how can I be an inspiration to others if I can’t inspire myself to not allow the flesh to take over my spirit” I went online and completed my application for school (I will be going back this spring, majoring in psychology) and I called him and apologized for being in my feelings and allowing them to take over. I asked him what it was that he needed from me and he told me he  told me he needed some time and space. I couldn’t have agreed more and this was something that I should’ve done a long time ago. Especially before we had sex and tainted our friendship forever. Granted we may be friends at some point again but it may never be at the level we were at. I told him his friendship was more important to me than being sexual with each other. He said he would love to be able to have both the friendship and sexual part of a relationship.
He was speaking in general but I know that it wouldn’t go down like that with us again. I think he wants to try and get me out of his system so that he won’t look at me sexually (too late for that buddy, you know what’s good over here…lol) Plus the last message I sent was picture of me showing off the still in progress bikini body…lol I was wrong but I couldn’t help it…lol I knew it was the last picture message he’ll get from me and why not go out with a bang, right! My conclusion to this is that I almost allowed my emotions to dictate how I was going to deal with losing a good person in my life. However, I’m taking back control and now I’m going to continue to move forward with or without him in my life. Lesson learned “don’t let lust control the feeling of being in love. It’s a big difference!”

Until next time…