Facing my imperfections
We all live with insecurities, flaws, etc. I am far from perfect and there is one thing that I never talk about or even want to think about for that matter. It wasn’t that I was afraid to talk about it; it was that I was ashamed to face the fact that I had to live with this one thing that I hated so much. I’m finally facing the truth and its time I do something to correct it.
A few years ago I went to the dentist for a regular checkup and to check on an abscess that I had in my mouth. At least that is what I thought it was because my cousin had gone through the same thing a couple of months prior. I went in and he did my cleaning and as usual I had no cavities but he said that he needed to drain the abscess. He told me that once he drained it that it should go away and not bother me anymore. I left with my face a bit swollen and my mouth was still in pain from him draining the abscess. I got home and my God sister told me that my dentist had called and said that I needed to go to the emergency room or go and see a specialist about my abscess. I was confused and called the office right away. He told me that the x-ray that he took showed a mass and it wasn’t an abscess that he drained in my mouth. I couldn’t believe this freaking fool cut into my mouth and it wasn’t a damn abscess. “Was he trying to poison my blood by cutting into this tumor in my mouth” I immediately called my mother and told her that I wanted her to go to the dentist with me, and told her about the mass. I was scared out of my mind because I didn’t understand why and when this growth had started growing in my jaw. I went to the doctor with my mom and the doctor said the words I didn’t want to hear. It was a tumor and he had to do surgery immediately. He said that there was a possibility that my mouth would never look the same and that he would have to do some reconstructive surgery on the inside of my mouth. I couldn’t believe it, why me? I went to the dentist every six months to get my cleaning; I flossed and brushed my teeth every day. I was hurt and confused. “God why me is all that I kept saying” It was going to be a 6-8 hour procedure that would take place that day. I prayed all the way to the doctor and I prayed when they laid me on the surgery table. All I remember before going under anesthesia was that there was this nurse that was being so mean. I nearly cursed him out but the drug had kicked in but I do remember seeing my doctor and telling him that the nurse was being mean. He told me it was going to be okay and to relax. Lights out, I was gone and I woke up crying for my mother. I didn’t want anything or anyone else. I just wanted her because I knew she had been waiting with me the whole entire time. My whole jaw was covered up and my bottom lip was now drooping. I didn’t even want to look at myself in the mirror. The doctor told me that side affects to the surgery was that I may never get the total feeling back in my left side of my jaw. The nerves where dead and they had to do a gingival graft in my mouth (they had to replace the skin in my gums) and they would hope that it would heal properly so that it wasn’t a exposed hole in my jaw. I was mortified and still couldn’t believe that I was going through this, it wasn’t fair to me at all. My smile was radiant and my teeth were great. This was no longer the case and I didn’t want anyone to know that I had to go through this surgery. I do thank God that the tumor came back non benign!! I forgot to mention the tumor was the size of a tangerine. (In my jaw, that’s unbelievable)
My mouth eventually healed faster than the doctors thought it would. I kept my mouth closed and tight so that my lip wouldn’t hang. The doctor said because I did that it helped with the healing process and he believed that my mouth would be fine. It still wasn’t fine because now I had a phobia of going back to the dentist and my teeth aren’t the same. I have some of my tooth bone that is exposed on the bottom because of the surgery. I lost my smile and I am ashamed that I don’t smile like I use to. I haven’t lost confident in who I am as a person. I’m a beautiful woman but behind that beauty is an insecurity that I haven’t shared with anyone. I want to be able to smile again and I’ve put it off for way to long. It wasn’t until I was faced with the reality that if I wanted to be in any kind of relationship that I would have to be honest with the person I’m with and I have to be honest with myself. My friend and my daughter both said something to me over the weekend that made me realize that I can’t hide it anymore. I didn’t realize that because I don’t want to expose that part of myself I don’t fully open my mouth to talk, so sometimes when I talk I mumble the words. I was so used to talking like that that I didn’t realize that it wasn’t a good thing. I look away from people when they talk to me so that they don’t have to look at my mouth. I don’t like that part of myself but being the person that I am I love to talk and I shouldn’t have to hide that I have this imperfection. I feel like it maybe a costly procedure but it has to be done. I have to find someone that I can really trust to do any surgery or work on my mouth. I’m scared out of my mind but I know I have to get it done.
I’m saying this because no one is perfect and we all have flaws.Even those who feel like they are perfect are still trying to perfect something within themselves.We hide them and we feel no one can relate to our story. I’m sure there is someone who can relate to what I’m saying today. However, I’m going to face my fear head on and pray that God will keep me in his hands as he did the first time. I just want my confident smile back, I don’t want to wake up and brush my teeth and look at myself and say I can’t stand my mouth. I pray that God will just take it away and make it all better. I know that’s not the reality of it and I can pray about it but God still wants me to do something about it. I say this to anyone facing a problem that can be fixed, whether it’s your weight, acne, loss of hair, etc. Talk about it and see if there is anyone that can help with the issue. You never know who can help you if you don’t express what you have going on inside. I know I shut down on my friend when we talked about it and he was willing to help me and not judge me. Now that’s a great friend and if you have someone that you can trust I say tell them and go from there. I’m going to finally face my fear and get what needs to be done before it becomes a real serious issue.
Until next time…
A few years ago I went to the dentist for a regular checkup and to check on an abscess that I had in my mouth. At least that is what I thought it was because my cousin had gone through the same thing a couple of months prior. I went in and he did my cleaning and as usual I had no cavities but he said that he needed to drain the abscess. He told me that once he drained it that it should go away and not bother me anymore. I left with my face a bit swollen and my mouth was still in pain from him draining the abscess. I got home and my God sister told me that my dentist had called and said that I needed to go to the emergency room or go and see a specialist about my abscess. I was confused and called the office right away. He told me that the x-ray that he took showed a mass and it wasn’t an abscess that he drained in my mouth. I couldn’t believe this freaking fool cut into my mouth and it wasn’t a damn abscess. “Was he trying to poison my blood by cutting into this tumor in my mouth” I immediately called my mother and told her that I wanted her to go to the dentist with me, and told her about the mass. I was scared out of my mind because I didn’t understand why and when this growth had started growing in my jaw. I went to the doctor with my mom and the doctor said the words I didn’t want to hear. It was a tumor and he had to do surgery immediately. He said that there was a possibility that my mouth would never look the same and that he would have to do some reconstructive surgery on the inside of my mouth. I couldn’t believe it, why me? I went to the dentist every six months to get my cleaning; I flossed and brushed my teeth every day. I was hurt and confused. “God why me is all that I kept saying” It was going to be a 6-8 hour procedure that would take place that day. I prayed all the way to the doctor and I prayed when they laid me on the surgery table. All I remember before going under anesthesia was that there was this nurse that was being so mean. I nearly cursed him out but the drug had kicked in but I do remember seeing my doctor and telling him that the nurse was being mean. He told me it was going to be okay and to relax. Lights out, I was gone and I woke up crying for my mother. I didn’t want anything or anyone else. I just wanted her because I knew she had been waiting with me the whole entire time. My whole jaw was covered up and my bottom lip was now drooping. I didn’t even want to look at myself in the mirror. The doctor told me that side affects to the surgery was that I may never get the total feeling back in my left side of my jaw. The nerves where dead and they had to do a gingival graft in my mouth (they had to replace the skin in my gums) and they would hope that it would heal properly so that it wasn’t a exposed hole in my jaw. I was mortified and still couldn’t believe that I was going through this, it wasn’t fair to me at all. My smile was radiant and my teeth were great. This was no longer the case and I didn’t want anyone to know that I had to go through this surgery. I do thank God that the tumor came back non benign!! I forgot to mention the tumor was the size of a tangerine. (In my jaw, that’s unbelievable)
My mouth eventually healed faster than the doctors thought it would. I kept my mouth closed and tight so that my lip wouldn’t hang. The doctor said because I did that it helped with the healing process and he believed that my mouth would be fine. It still wasn’t fine because now I had a phobia of going back to the dentist and my teeth aren’t the same. I have some of my tooth bone that is exposed on the bottom because of the surgery. I lost my smile and I am ashamed that I don’t smile like I use to. I haven’t lost confident in who I am as a person. I’m a beautiful woman but behind that beauty is an insecurity that I haven’t shared with anyone. I want to be able to smile again and I’ve put it off for way to long. It wasn’t until I was faced with the reality that if I wanted to be in any kind of relationship that I would have to be honest with the person I’m with and I have to be honest with myself. My friend and my daughter both said something to me over the weekend that made me realize that I can’t hide it anymore. I didn’t realize that because I don’t want to expose that part of myself I don’t fully open my mouth to talk, so sometimes when I talk I mumble the words. I was so used to talking like that that I didn’t realize that it wasn’t a good thing. I look away from people when they talk to me so that they don’t have to look at my mouth. I don’t like that part of myself but being the person that I am I love to talk and I shouldn’t have to hide that I have this imperfection. I feel like it maybe a costly procedure but it has to be done. I have to find someone that I can really trust to do any surgery or work on my mouth. I’m scared out of my mind but I know I have to get it done.
I’m saying this because no one is perfect and we all have flaws.Even those who feel like they are perfect are still trying to perfect something within themselves.We hide them and we feel no one can relate to our story. I’m sure there is someone who can relate to what I’m saying today. However, I’m going to face my fear head on and pray that God will keep me in his hands as he did the first time. I just want my confident smile back, I don’t want to wake up and brush my teeth and look at myself and say I can’t stand my mouth. I pray that God will just take it away and make it all better. I know that’s not the reality of it and I can pray about it but God still wants me to do something about it. I say this to anyone facing a problem that can be fixed, whether it’s your weight, acne, loss of hair, etc. Talk about it and see if there is anyone that can help with the issue. You never know who can help you if you don’t express what you have going on inside. I know I shut down on my friend when we talked about it and he was willing to help me and not judge me. Now that’s a great friend and if you have someone that you can trust I say tell them and go from there. I’m going to finally face my fear and get what needs to be done before it becomes a real serious issue.
Until next time…
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