Put it on the table
Today has been one of those days and I’m going to explain why it has been. I’ve always tried to be truthful with anyone that I show interest to and I expect the same. Well, I am learning that you can’t expect anyone to give you the same respect that you give them. The older I get the more I know that instead of letting things play out for themselves, you have to demand that everything is put on the table. Feelings, wants, expectations, truth or anything else you want; you have to make sure you get exactly what you want. Let me tell you what my point is to this post.
You know that I have that Mr. Right, Wrong Guy that I like so much but he had the girlfriend who is his ex now but someone how she’s still in his head. I knew that going into any type of relationship with him that I would have to face the reality of the truth (check that post out). The first truth to his problem was that he was telling me that he wasn't ready for a relationship because he still had feelings for her. Well unbeknownst to me it’s more than just feelings. He still loves her and still enjoys loving her. What the heck does that mean was the question that I asked myself before and I came up with he’s trying to have his cake and eat it too. Well, one day I had the urge to find out more about the affect this woman had on his heart and it was a straight slap in the face. He told me that he still thinks about her, she still calls him and text him. Don’t get me wrong I’m not trying to tell anyone who they can and cannot talk to but “Come on Son” she straight played you and you still carry the torch for her heart. Then why play with my emotions and use me as a pawn in your mind. I am not ashamed to say that I allowed him in my head without using precaution. Anyway, after asking about the chick and he texted me this long drawn out message about how he didn’t want to hurt me and he was sorry because he felt he was cheating on me even though we aren’t in a relationship. Again, why the hell would you feel like you cheated on me if you claim to see me only as a friend and nothing more? I was teed off and I told him that I didn’t know if could continue our friendship. He told me he understood and that he wasn’t going anywhere and would be there when I was ready to talk. I got home and I shed a few tears and that lasted for about a minute because I had to tell myself that it was not that serious. I had to regroup and tell him he needed to tell me how he felt about me. It was time to put everything and I meant everything on the table. No more sugar coating shit, give it to me real. I didn’t get a response for hours and when he did finally hit me back it was the same bullshit, I’m here for as a friend and I can’t be the man you need me to be in your life. Who the hell asked him to be anything more than a friend in my life? What the Fuck was wrong with him? I was a friend to him and I started thinking he didn’t deserve my friendship. I talked to my good guy friend and asked him his opinion on the situation and he told me to find out the truth and if I could only be FRIENDS with him than continue with the friendship but if we couldn’t just be friends than let it go. Letting go is never easy and I didn’t want him to not be in my life, I was more confused than I had been before I talked to him.
We talked the same night and I told him that I chose to keep him around. He seemed happy and said he was glad that I was still going to be in his life. He then asked me what it was that I wanted and I wasn’t sure what he meant by it. He was asking me what I wanted in a relationship. Well I straight told him that he couldn’t give me what I wanted. I knew that hurt him but how could I say to him that I want him even though he still had this fight in his heart. I explained what I meant and we seem to be on the same page until tonight and I’m telling you I just don’t know if I can continue this relationship. I feel like it can eventually evolve into something else but right now it’s just not the time. I know this because I have put my heart into it and I’m not willing for him or anyone else to damage it. It took me a long time to get to the place in my life where I can love freely and unconditionally and I’m not willing to go back to the old me. I will give you an example how I can’t just be his friend and put my feelings to the side. He sent me a text telling me how he found a lady who was pretty good at what she did and I had no idea what he was talking about so I called him. I asked him what he meant and he said that he found a tutor who was able to him with his calculus class that he was taking online. I was like good for you but I hear her in the background and my antennas went up and asked was she there and he told me yes. My whole demeanor change I was now in a funky mood. It was 9:30 at night why the hell couldn’t that wait until morning. I didn’t want to talk to him anymore and he heard in my voice and asked me to call him when I was done with work. I had no desire to do that either but when I got off I wanted to talk to him. Mind you its 10:30 at night and I call him and she’s still there with him working on math. No fucking way was I about to stay on the phone with him while she’s there. I felt jealous and the only right I have of being jealous is if he was my man and he was not. He too has a jealous streak in him and he proved it the night I kept talking to him about my jump off because I was tempted to really call him. I told him we worked in the same area as well. Well that night let’s just say our conversation went to a whole different level. He made love to my mind like he never did before and it was different because he kept using the word love. I get that it’s just a word but he’s not the type to just say he loves anything. I brought it up to him and he told me he did that because he felt away about my jump off.
You get what I’m saying. Had I just made sure I knew where his heart really was before allowing him in my mental I would be okay. His heart is torn and I’m feeling lost because of it all. I don’t know what to do at this point but I do know that I won’t play the game of dangling men in his face to see if he’ll react. I know like any man he will react and that reaction would be to jump on the next chick to get me out his head. My advice is don’t play the game that you don’t want played on yourself. The heart is a delicate vessel and it can take a very long time to mend it back together. I feel like I do love him but I won’t walk around with blinders pretending that someone isn’t going to get hurt. I’m afraid I may have to walk away
(sometimes you have to let go)
Unitl next time..
You know that I have that Mr. Right, Wrong Guy that I like so much but he had the girlfriend who is his ex now but someone how she’s still in his head. I knew that going into any type of relationship with him that I would have to face the reality of the truth (check that post out). The first truth to his problem was that he was telling me that he wasn't ready for a relationship because he still had feelings for her. Well unbeknownst to me it’s more than just feelings. He still loves her and still enjoys loving her. What the heck does that mean was the question that I asked myself before and I came up with he’s trying to have his cake and eat it too. Well, one day I had the urge to find out more about the affect this woman had on his heart and it was a straight slap in the face. He told me that he still thinks about her, she still calls him and text him. Don’t get me wrong I’m not trying to tell anyone who they can and cannot talk to but “Come on Son” she straight played you and you still carry the torch for her heart. Then why play with my emotions and use me as a pawn in your mind. I am not ashamed to say that I allowed him in my head without using precaution. Anyway, after asking about the chick and he texted me this long drawn out message about how he didn’t want to hurt me and he was sorry because he felt he was cheating on me even though we aren’t in a relationship. Again, why the hell would you feel like you cheated on me if you claim to see me only as a friend and nothing more? I was teed off and I told him that I didn’t know if could continue our friendship. He told me he understood and that he wasn’t going anywhere and would be there when I was ready to talk. I got home and I shed a few tears and that lasted for about a minute because I had to tell myself that it was not that serious. I had to regroup and tell him he needed to tell me how he felt about me. It was time to put everything and I meant everything on the table. No more sugar coating shit, give it to me real. I didn’t get a response for hours and when he did finally hit me back it was the same bullshit, I’m here for as a friend and I can’t be the man you need me to be in your life. Who the hell asked him to be anything more than a friend in my life? What the Fuck was wrong with him? I was a friend to him and I started thinking he didn’t deserve my friendship. I talked to my good guy friend and asked him his opinion on the situation and he told me to find out the truth and if I could only be FRIENDS with him than continue with the friendship but if we couldn’t just be friends than let it go. Letting go is never easy and I didn’t want him to not be in my life, I was more confused than I had been before I talked to him.
We talked the same night and I told him that I chose to keep him around. He seemed happy and said he was glad that I was still going to be in his life. He then asked me what it was that I wanted and I wasn’t sure what he meant by it. He was asking me what I wanted in a relationship. Well I straight told him that he couldn’t give me what I wanted. I knew that hurt him but how could I say to him that I want him even though he still had this fight in his heart. I explained what I meant and we seem to be on the same page until tonight and I’m telling you I just don’t know if I can continue this relationship. I feel like it can eventually evolve into something else but right now it’s just not the time. I know this because I have put my heart into it and I’m not willing for him or anyone else to damage it. It took me a long time to get to the place in my life where I can love freely and unconditionally and I’m not willing to go back to the old me. I will give you an example how I can’t just be his friend and put my feelings to the side. He sent me a text telling me how he found a lady who was pretty good at what she did and I had no idea what he was talking about so I called him. I asked him what he meant and he said that he found a tutor who was able to him with his calculus class that he was taking online. I was like good for you but I hear her in the background and my antennas went up and asked was she there and he told me yes. My whole demeanor change I was now in a funky mood. It was 9:30 at night why the hell couldn’t that wait until morning. I didn’t want to talk to him anymore and he heard in my voice and asked me to call him when I was done with work. I had no desire to do that either but when I got off I wanted to talk to him. Mind you its 10:30 at night and I call him and she’s still there with him working on math. No fucking way was I about to stay on the phone with him while she’s there. I felt jealous and the only right I have of being jealous is if he was my man and he was not. He too has a jealous streak in him and he proved it the night I kept talking to him about my jump off because I was tempted to really call him. I told him we worked in the same area as well. Well that night let’s just say our conversation went to a whole different level. He made love to my mind like he never did before and it was different because he kept using the word love. I get that it’s just a word but he’s not the type to just say he loves anything. I brought it up to him and he told me he did that because he felt away about my jump off.
You get what I’m saying. Had I just made sure I knew where his heart really was before allowing him in my mental I would be okay. His heart is torn and I’m feeling lost because of it all. I don’t know what to do at this point but I do know that I won’t play the game of dangling men in his face to see if he’ll react. I know like any man he will react and that reaction would be to jump on the next chick to get me out his head. My advice is don’t play the game that you don’t want played on yourself. The heart is a delicate vessel and it can take a very long time to mend it back together. I feel like I do love him but I won’t walk around with blinders pretending that someone isn’t going to get hurt. I’m afraid I may have to walk away
(sometimes you have to let go)
Unitl next time..
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