Dear John!

I wanted to write this entry last night but I was so exhausted and didn’t have the energy to turn on my laptop and write. I’ve been having some restless night and it’s because at night he’s in my thoughts. However last night I had an epiphany and it made things so clear for me on why our relationship ended on his terms not mine.  This letter should be intended for him to read but I feel like others may be able to relate and need to read it. I have no intentions on sending him this letter and if he ever decides to read my blog again he can read it then.

To Him

As I lay here and have these constant thoughts of what went wrong and how I played my part in us being at this point.  I realize that I was at fault but you were to blame as well.  I laid my heart on the table only for you to pick it up, touch it and see if it was real? My feelings for you were very real and I didn’t hide that from you but you did. You never once told me how you really felt and I realize now that I was building up this frustration towards you because of it. I needed the truth and when I asked for it you pulled away.  When I called you and said that I could no longer be your friend and that I could no longer control my emotions of how I felt about you. I told you that I needed time and space and you asked me how long would I need? You told me that you were not going anywhere and that you were in my life forever. Still I knew that I just needed time from talking to you and seeing you. You didn’t give me that and you pushed yourself back into my space knowing that my heart was fragile and vulnerable to your love. I fell back in as quickly as I fell out. I question myself now knowing that my will should’ve been stronger and I should’ve gave me the time and space I needed from you. I think about the weekend that we had, where you held me close and told me how waking up to me everyday felt right. How you loved how are bodies where so in tuned. How you would whisper good morning and kissed me so gently every chance you got.  How every time we went out you held on to me not giving anyone the opportunity to think for a second that I wasn’t taken. I can’t forget our last day together we didn’t do anything but hold on to each other as we pleasured each other and fell asleep in each other’s arms; until it was time for me to go. I remember you telling me how you were going to miss waking up to me, I remember you holding on to me tightly before letting me get on the bus. I had a right to be emotionally unstable because I had a man that gave me the weekend that I will never forget and now you’re pulling away. I had a man who said that he loved me on more than one occasion but tried to cover it up with something else. 

All of a sudden you need time and space from me and when I would get mad about a text message that wasn’t replied to until 4 hours later. I’m now acting like a pissed off girlfriend, not at all and your wrong for trying to hide. You want to be in control of everything and if you feel that when you’re losing control, you being to pull away.  I understand that the moment I told you I couldn’t be your friend; you did everything in your power to make it right. When I started challenging you on how things where turning out for us; you didn’t want me to get into your head. I’m not saying you didn’t care but you kept telling me that you where not ready to be my man because you couldn’t give me all of you. You asked me how my daughter would feel about you being my boyfriend. Why would it matter if you couldn’t be all that I needed in a man? I went out with my guy friend a couple of days after I came back from seeing you and I didn’t hide that. You became defensive and told me that no one would ever top your time with me. Who’s acting like a jealous boyfriend now? You didn’t like the feeling that I was with another guy and instead of saying something you chose to become distant. Things were not the same and now we were going back and forth about petty things. Than all of sudden out the blue you choose for us to be NOTHING because you said I wasn’t acting like a friend.  Well maybe it’s a good decision because I don’t deal well with people who cannot be truthful with others but most importantly truthful with themselves. I see the reason why you can’t let go of your ex it’s because she made the decision for the both of you and that didn’t sit well with you. Your always use to having things under control and for her to make the decision for you made you confused. (Much like you did for us which isn’t fair) In your mind you feel like you can fix ya’ll relationship but you told me once that they connection was no longer there. I’m not trying to figure out what’s what with you too. I’m just simply stating that you can’t control everything and if you could than you would have fixed that relationship a long time ago. 

Sincerely 

A real friend!

Since he’s last message to me was how we were nothing to each other I tried to erase him out of my memory.  That didn’t happen even with me erasing his messages, phone number, pictures etc.  Nothing worked and it was because I was trying to figure out what went wrong. What I did wrong? I didn’t do anything wrong except show that I really was there for him. I was honest with him the whole time and he accepted it like it was ok. Anyway, I got a message from him the other day and I got a little pissed off. He had a nerve to text me after saying that we were nothing. He said he was checking on me and wanted to see what was going on? Huh, I don’t understand why does he care? I didn’t respond and he texted me again asking about something he sent for my baby girl. I didn’t want to respond but I knew that I needed to make sure he knew that it hadn’t arrived and he needed to check on it. He said he would and I left it at that. I thought to myself am I being mean by not responding to him? Am I being myself, knowing that a part of me want things to go back to how they were. So, this morning I looked out the window and watched the snow fall on to the ground and he popped in my mind. I felt the need to text him and tell him to be safe in this weather and to stay home and do homework if he needed something to occupy his time.  I couldn’t help it and as soon as I texted him I erased his number and the message I sent to him…lol who am fooling when I say that I don’t care when I really do. However, what I won’t do is engage in conversation with him and pretend that things are okay. I can be rude and not respond to his messages like he did me and his excuse was he was testing me to see if I would trip out on him. (Control he must have) Like I said before I’m done trying and I won’t try and repair anything this time. I enjoy making people happy and love to love on others. This will not change but I won’t allow anyone to play with my emotions (I guess that something I can control)

Until next time