Jays Journey!

This week was supposed to be filled with joy and happiness, but it wasn’t. It was my birthday and I should’ve had the best week ever. However, I was feeling very alone and depressed. Thank God for my coworkers who made me feel somewhat special. They treated me out to a Mexican restaurant for drinks and food. I had a blast and got a little tipsy, but it was what I needed. I needed that to forget that I was feeling sad because I didn’t get a cake or much less a card. Should I not feel this way because I’m older? Yes, I can feel this way knowing that I have family and my friends that I always show love to on any special occasions. Why can’t I at least expect a card that says happy birthday? Well I have put my feelings to the side so that I can face what it is that I’m dealing with today and that’s “ Depression ” Depression is real; it’s as you real as you being sick with the flu or even worse. Depression causes so many illness and worst Death by Suicide. I’m not trying to self-diagn...

These past few weeks have been crazy and I’m feeling depleted. My energy is low and I’m even losing weight. I’ve tried to understand why I am going through all that I am and still I can’t come up with anything. My grandfather died on Father’s Day and that really hurt my heart to the core. I was just planning a vacation to go back home and spend time with him. I didn’t make it and didn’t realize that the last time I would get to see him again would be in a casket; saying goodbye for the last time. I went back home for the funeral and to my surprise I found myself being depressed and it was because I was staying at my mother’s house. The memories were flooding my mind; I felt myself waiting for her to emerge from her room and say hello. That didn’t happen and I couldn’t take it. I cried for the time I was there, but I also found myself drinking the entire time I was there too. I couldn’t wait to leave, but I was also sad because I knew that it would be a long time before I see my family ...

Yesterday should’ve been a joyous occasion being that it was Father’s Day, but it wasn’t because my grandfather passed away. I had planned on going to see him next month, but I didn’t make it in time to see him.  It hurt my heart so bad because I assumed that he was going to be around long enough for me to spend time with him. Lesson learned; never put off something you can do today. I know he’s not in pain anymore and he can finally rest in peace, but it still hurts. My grandfather was the best fisherman I ever knew; I will never forget the times he would come in from fishing and have a cooler full of different fish. He was a no-nonsense man and he didn’t like loud noise. I remember once we were on our way to our family reunion and he started screaming at the kids to be quiet. We all kept laughing and playing, but that was all put to a stop when he demanded one of my aunts to get a switch. We were quiet the rest of the trip. He always had stories to tell me about his time...

I woke up this morning feeling like the day was going to be great until I felt a tear roll down my face.  I knew why it fell, but I wasn’t ready to deal with it. I’m at a breaking point in my life and now I’m finally feeling it. I’ve always been great at masking my pain and hurt from a child and now as an adult. However, the only problem is I never know when something or someone will bring me to this point. I know that it’s not good to hold in your feelings, but I never let them out in fear of hurting someone.  Yet, I hurt myself more by not saying it when it needs to be said and now I as I write I cry. I wasn’t expecting this feeling this morning; I just needed the pain to stay hidden in my heart.  It hurts me even more now because last night my daughter told me that the reason she shows no emotions is because of me. Wow, I never knew that she put on that same brave face as I do, only to mask her true feelings. I now have to find a way to break this cycle because i...

I’ve been trying to get my mind right since I broke up with my girlfriend.  Things haven’t been the same and I’ve been trying to put it behind me, but I’m learning that I have to face this head on. If I feel like crying, screaming, laughing or even writing then it’s what I will do.  A break up is never easy especially if you try to break up on good terms, but the other person feels different. I was once told that I am not responsible for other people’s happiness and that is the truth. I am only responsible for my happiness; however, I can’t help but think how she is holding up. It hasn’t been long, but it hurts like hell when at one point you saw forever with the person you once loved.  How can you move past it without constantly thinking about the other person it? I have to is what I tell me myself. I still have to live my life (but it hurts so badly). I feel like there are few people who are placed in your life for a lifetime, but there are also people that come in...

                                                        (I do not own this picture)                                                        I woke up this morning feeling like I really needed to write. I got in from work last night and slept all night long. I did eventually wake up and use the bathroom and I browsed on Facebook and Instagram for a little bit. However, I had a restless night and my dreams were all over the place. I woke up with a slight attitude because I feel like I am tired of people and their lies and excuses. I can say that I’ve had made excuses for some of the things gone wrong in my life, but I can say now that I have no more excuses left. Have you ever been tired of being tired? Well,...

This post may offend some and it may not but if you know like I know that the first line already warns you. So take heed to the warning!!! The topic is about being unsatisfied in a relationship; mentally, physically, sexually but mostly emotionally.  I often question myself when it comes to making sure that I am satisfying my partner. I always feel like I do a good job in all areas of the relationship but that all changes when you’re told otherwise. It blew my mind to think that I’m doing pretty good only to be shot down and told to try again. Me, try again, Huh. This is not happening and I know that it hasn’t happened before.  However, I guess even the most confident person can be shot down and told that something’s isn't working. Some things like what you may be thinking because I was thinking the same thing when I was told I wasn’t. I will go through each word that I mentioned previously before. Mentally : I always feel that you have to be on the same page men...