Jays Journey!

I wasn’t going to write tonight but I felt that I needed to get something off my mind. What better way to do it than to write and get it out of my system.  Today I woke up feeling okay but there was something that had been bothering me over the weekend. I got a message from him asking if I was with child (it was a strong possibility, we all get caught up in the moment that could change our lives forever) and it threw me off because we haven’t spoken in forever and I get a message like that. I hit him back and told him that he would be the first to know if that’s what it is. So I hit him today to let him know that he no longer had to worry or concern himself with thoughts of me and him being parents. He said that he didn’t want to be a baby dad and didn’t want me to be a baby mama. He said marriage, and then a baby and I agree with him on that. I told him that it was best that I wasn’t right now with everything going on. Besides what’s going on who wants to have a child with someo...

I was about to head to bed but of course I started thinking about my future and where I see myself in the next couple of years.  My friend asked me what was new with me and told me to think really deep and at first I couldn’t come up with anything. I couldn’t think about anything new that was going on in my life. Yes, I’ve gone through heartaches, financial loss, friendship broken and lots of tears but nothing new.  This is how my conversation went with my friend and it really helped me to get to the core of where my mind is right now in regards to my future. My Response: I told him I was thinking about getting a one bedroom apartment for me and my baby girl. This way I can save money and work on getting my credit back in order.  I thought If I can find something that is reasonable than maybe I’ll just go with the two bedrooms instead of one. I thought about if I was able to manage a fulltime schedule with school, work and raising a teenage daughter and still have time...

I wanted to write this entry last night but I was so exhausted and didn’t have the energy to turn on my laptop and write. I’ve been having some restless night and it’s because at night he’s in my thoughts. However last night I had an epiphany and it made things so clear for me on why our relationship ended on his terms not mine.  This letter should be intended for him to read but I feel like others may be able to relate and need to read it. I have no intentions on sending him this letter and if he ever decides to read my blog again he can read it then. To Him As I lay here and have these constant thoughts of what went wrong and how I played my part in us being at this point.  I realize that I was at fault but you were to blame as well.  I laid my heart on the table only for you to pick it up, touch it and see if it was real? My feelings for you were very real and I didn’t hide that from you but you did. You never once told me how you really felt and I realize now...

Come take a moment to join me in my daydream.. this post will not be a read for everyone. I’m feeling kind of excited and I felt like I wanted to share with you my day dream. This will be a very EXPLICIT post so I am giving you for warning.   She remembered how it all started, she was on her way to an interview and she got a call from him. He wanted to wish her well on her interview but he really wanted to talk. He asked her what she was wearing since she sent him pictures of her options the night before. She told him that she had changed her look and decided to go with some grey slacks and a black blazer. She told him that she was looking great and he need not worry about her outfit.  They talked some more and she was ready to get off the phone since they both stated they needed some time from talking to each other. He asked her was she working that weekend she told him no and she had the entire weekend off. He suggested she should come visit him and she told him that she w...

Today has been one of those days where I didn’t think anything could go right. I woke up grateful that I was blessed to see another day, yet I felt like something was wrong with me. Something inside me felt empty and I dragged around the house even though I knew I had to leave for work in a hour or so. I didn’t care and all I wanted to do was lay back down. I got an email from an employer who I had already had an interview with last month, stating that I didn’t fax in the correct forms needed and that I would have to reapply for the position again. I was livid because I knew I faxed over within the time it was suppose to be submitted. For some reason this person from Human Resources was just trying to play me as if I never applied for a job before. I was so pissed and on my way to work I started talking to God asking him what was going on and why was I feel like I was going through a test. “A test of my faith, patience’s, but most of all my sanity” I was feeling like I was lost. I wa...

I’m learning more and more about the stuff that I can tolerate in my life but the one thing that I still can’t tolerate is bullshit.  I am far from perfect and I know my emotions at times can get the best of me. However I see my wrong doing and I admit to my mistakes. You can’t tell me you love God in one breath and tell me that I mean nothing to you in the next.  We serve a forgiving and loving God so if your brother/sister comes to you with open arms you turned them away. Let’s get to the main issue at hand on this blog. I’ve been dealing with the possibility of never talking to my friend (Mr. Wrong, right guy) again but I’ve come to this conclusion that I’m okay with it. Last night I was reading this book Why Not You? By Valorie Burton (a must read) and in reading the introduction I felt this surge of strength come over me out of nowhere. I started to give god praise and I tweeted my thoughts and I just had to get up from what I was doing and start to pray. My reason f...