My Best friend

It’s getting close to mothers day and I really haven’t been feeling like myself. I want to cry, scream, sleep just so that I can’t try and mask the pain that is coming on stronger each day. She’s not here and I can’t believe that I’m supposed to just accept this. Yes, I understand that she’s in a better place right now but am I? I still pick up my phone and want to dial her number to tell all the good and bad things going on in my life. I can’t because she’s gone and it breaks every vein in my heart when I think about it. I miss her and I need her with me not only spiritually but physically as well. Mother’s Day will not be the same for me anymore and I know that I’m a mother but how can I smile when I want to cry. I’m being told think about the times she made you smile or laugh. I can do all that but guess what I would normally do when I think about what she did to make me laugh or smile. I would call her and remind her of what she did to make that happen.  Now where does that leave me again, alone and hurt because I can’t tell her that I love her, I can’t call her and make her laugh.  I’m venting and I know it may seem like I haven’t gotten past her death and you know what to be honest I still can’t believe it. I still say it’s not fair to me, her grandchildren or her husband. How could she not fight to live for us? How could she not ask God to leave her here so that she could be here to see her grandchildren grow up? I just don’t understand where was the fighter in her that she has taught me to be. We don’t give up, we fight and prevail. I want to go to sleep and wake up to her saying I didn’t give up, I fought for ya’ll. She didn’t fight she told me she was tired and not sleepy tired. I knew in my heart that she didn’t want to fight anymore; she was ready to close her eyes and let the pain seep away and her spirit float away to the golden gates of heaven.  

Now that I’ve vented my frustration about her not being here with me anymore, let me explain to you all that I know God doesn’t make mistakes. I know that had she been here she would probably still be suffering. I didn’t want my mom to suffer anymore and it killed me to see those tubes in her and she could talk like she wanted too. She had suffered long enough and God took her home so that she can finally be completely healed. I still stand firm when I say my heart hurts like a ton of bricks and those bricks are sometimes light and other days they are heavy. You don’t want to feel pain like this because I promise you it never goes away. However, I do want to encourage someone by telling you that if you trust in God he will make a way. He never said that we are not suppose to morn or cry over the lost of our love ones but don’t bask in the pain that you feel. Cry, scream, hit something (not someone) etc. Do whatever it is at that moment you need to do and after your done; wipe your tears, clean up the mess you created and thank God for giving you the opportunity to have them for the time you did. I will admit I already put it in the atmosphere that I wasn’t going to have a good mother’s day because the most important person in my life is gone. She wouldn’t want me to have a bad day, she would tell me to do what she would do. Cook, laugh and go to church. I’m going to do exactly that this Sunday. I will speak great things into my life and I’ll start with enjoying mother’s day. I’ll talk with her to let her know that I love her and that I’m glad she’s not in pain anymore. I’ll let her know that I haven’t given up on my dream and that I will continue to write as she requested before she passed away. I will continue to make her proud of me and I’ll imagine that beautiful smile she had on every time one of her children made her proud. I am a proud mother and I know the feeling when my daughter has done something and I blast it to the world that I am the proudest mother in the world. Well Judith Ann Cater I promise you that I will always make you proud of me and until I see your smile again, I will watch you on my many DVD’s that I have with you cursing, yelling, dancing, singing but most of all just being who you are to all of your children Our Mommy. 

Until we meet again, stay close my Angel and let me know that you’re always near me.