The after pain

After all was said and done my mom was really gone and I was lost. The love and support that I got from so many friends and family was no longer there. However I still get the are you okay. I think to myself does it freaking look like I'm ok. Although that is not the response I give, I tell them I'm doing the best I can. Why is it hard for people to understand that it will never be ok, my mother its gone and I can't bring get back. My mothers day, Christmas, Thanksgiving, her birthday will never be the same. At times I feel myself being numb and stuck in trance of the illusion that its a dream. I didn't just bury my mom and pick out her outfit that she would where for the very last time. But I did and there its no changing that. She's gone and I will never be able to kiss her and make hey laugh to she almost pee her clothes. Yes this is all I have right now and that's my memories of her smiling, cursing, yelling and being happy. Dang if I could just get one wish it would be to are her one last time. I honestly don't think it would be for her to come back for good and I'll tell you why. God called her to be with him and who am I to question his love for her. She's not in pain anymore and she doesn't have to deal with the world we live in. Now this doesn't mean that I don't wish that my mother was still alive but I won't wish that she could be here in the same pain she was in either. I'm not selfish like that but I know I still got her in my heart always.