My Journey to cont. Part 13

I was going to be a mother and I was not prepared for it. The last thing I wanted to do was have a child while living at home with my parents. I didn’t tell him let him know that I was going to get my first sonogram done in a couple of weeks. I was to mad at him to let him be apart of anything I  was doing. I was a cranky Bitch and didn’t care who didn’t like it. His daughter was in town for the summer and guess who was keeping her while he was working in New Jersey. I was keeping her at my mother’s house while he worked. I didn’t mind I loved the little girl the moment I seen her. When he went to go get her from Atlanta I didn’t really know what to expect. I already knew he had a child and I accept that much but she wasn’t in the same state. I didn’t have to deal with the baby mama issues or anything. I was very relieved that I didn’t but I wanted him to stay in his daughters life. Anyway, when he got back he was so pissed off at his daughter’s mother. She sent her baby clothes in a garbage bag with dirty clothes. Her hair wasn’t done and she looked dirty. I felt sorry for the poor baby she was innocent and her mother was an ass. Thank God she was a happy baby and not a cry baby. He had to leave for Jersey the next day but he didn’t want to leave her like that. He gave me some money and asked me to go shopping to by her some clothes. I did just that and spent some of my own money as well. I went to Broadway and Flushing Ave to shop for her clothes. At least I knew I would get some nice things for cheap. I treated her as if she were my own. Everyone loved her and treated her as family as well. I was about to have her little sister so I needed used to the idea of being a step mother. (so I thought)
          (love this kids store)

(I have to explain to you all why I was being so stubborn with this man)

The word  LOVE scared the heck out of me because I never knew what it felt like to be loved. He loved me so unconditionally flaws and all but I just didn’t know. I believe you learn how to love from your parents and if you don’t have that then it becomes hard to grasp when its given to you. I didn’t have that affection growing up in my house. We all were tough in my house there were no I love you or hugs and kisses giving to us. My mother was a single mom up until I turned 14 years old. Its not that she didn’t love us but its just something she didn’t get when growing up. Her parents were not affectionate and it was hard for her to show her children affection. She’s now a different person today and tries to show us the love that should’ve been shown to us when we were younger. I don’t blame her for not knowing  how to show us affection but I learned from that experience. It taught me to love on my own daughter every chance I got.  This way when she get older and starts a relationship she wont be scared when someone shows their affection towards her. I’m not like this anymore but it was a life lesson and it taught me that love is a word that you don’t run from. Just except it as it is and let it flow naturally.

                                                 

(now the journey continues)

However, I was thrilled to be pregnant but I wasn’t to happy about the living situation. By the time he cam back from New Jersey I’d  already went to go get my sonogram done. I really didn’t feel bad going by myself. I knew he would be mad if I told him that I had gone without him. I was ready for him to come and get his daughter. I was feeling myself getting irritated by the things she was doing and I would get mad. I knew that it had nothing to do with her but that her father had knocked me up. I was still pissed off about being pregnant by him period. He called and told me that he was coming over and I was happy because I was ready for him to get his child. I was outside in the park with my family when he came over. He came to the park where I was pushing his daughter in the swing. He wanted to talk to me but I didn’t want to hear anything he had to say. I gave the opportunity to say what he wanted to say. He told me that he was sorry that he had gotten me pregnant  because he knew that I didn’t want to be him. I told him that he was absolutely correct and it was too late to change anything. I was pregnant and keeping my baby period. I told him he didn’t have to worry about being there if he didn’t want to. He got so mad at me and told me that he was going to be there for me no matter what. Again, I told him I didn’t care if he wanted to be apart of my daughters life or not. Then I told him about the doctor’s appointment. He head looked like it was about to spin around. He was pissed off and I didn’t care that  I made him mad. I did it on purpose just because I felt like he got me pregnant on purpose. We where standing on the jungle gym in the park and he got down walked out the park. He picked up a garbage can and threw as far as he could. He didn’t care if he had hit a car or even a person. I was smiling because I knew I had the power to make him mad. I walked out the park and went toward my building and he came behind me. I thought for a second he was going to grab me but he went right around me. My cousins where sitting right on the bench in front of the building. The asked him why he was mad and he told them to ask me. I shrugged my shoulders and said I didn’t do anything to him. My cousin went over to him and talked to him and he told her what happen. She called me a Bitch and told me I needed to stop being so mean. I told her to mind her business and if she wanted him she could have him. She was now pissing me off because it wasn’t her place to say that to me. I was her cousin he was just some dude who knocked me up. (that’s how I felt then) I took the sonogram picture out my pocket and threw it at him and told him to go to hell. He got into the elevator and went upstairs to get his daughter. I stayed outside and waited for him to come back downstairs before I went upstairs. He came back down with the his daughter and her stuff. He walked out the building and walked right passed me without saying a word… to be cont..