Panic Attack

Having no internet has been a pain in the neck, I haven’t been able to blog about anything in the last couple of weeks and I really hate that I’ve waited so long to get another post up. As you all know I really appreciate that you take the time out to read my blog, so I thank you all for your support. I have a couple of things to touch on and I’ll probably have to make it into a two part blog.

First the job is going great but it also has me so tired where I am unable to do anything. I can tell you this; if you work for the Post Office than you know that you are constantly working. My worst nightmare came true with being a carrier. I had three big dogs charge me when trying to deliver a package. I thought I was going to die that day and I know my heart had to stop at least three times before the owner finally contained all of them. I swear from that point on I vowed that I would not get out my truck unless it was truly necessary. I was hoping that I never got that route again but you already know it was just my luck that the very next day he told me that I had to go and do that route again. Not only did I have to deliver mail to her house again, she also had another package that I had to deliver. I prayed that she wasn’t there so I didn’t have to get out of my vehicle. I pulled up to her house and she was outside with her dogs, I waved her down and told her that I had a package for her. She came to the truck and I handed her the package and she handed me a gift card to Dunkin Donuts with an apology note from the dogs…smh I said thank you and continued my route only to have to go to this house that was down a steep hill. I walked down the hill to deliver another package and on my way back up the hill I almost twisted my ankle. I can hope and pray that my days get better than the days I’ve been having. However, I’m so grateful to have a good job to provide for me and my baby girl.

Where can I start with how things have been going for me, I can say that I finally got some closure with Him. I really thought that we could be friends again until I had this long talk with him and I realize that he was not someone I could call a friend. Let me explain what the conversation entailed. I called him for some advice about my daughter sister asking to stay with me. I told him that I loved her like I loved my own baby girl and he made some valid points in regards to raising a teenager who’s already stuck in their own ways. It was helpful and I thanked him for that but then we somehow got on the topic about relationships. He then so excitedly told me about the new woman in his life. He told me how she was so smart and how he really liked her. He even told me that he texted her and spoke to her every day. Not only did he make sure he made time for her but he made sure that she gave him his time at night. I was okay with him telling me this until we got to the subject about me being in a relationship and waiting on God to send me the right person. He felt that I was holding back from giving anyone a chance and that waiting on God was an excuse. How is waiting on God an excuse for not settling for the next man that tells me he could make me happy. I told him about a guy that has been interested in me for a while but that I wasn’t willing to give him a chance. I told him that I may just go ahead and give him a chance. He started talking about our sexual experience that we had and I wasn’t really interested in talking about it. He laughed and joked about it and I just listened as a friend would do. However, after we talked I felt that he really didn’t consider what I may feel about what he talked about. We had those special moments and for him to tell me how he was sharing that with someone else just confirmed for me that I couldn’t be a friend to him. I went to work the next day and it was a great day but when I got off I suddenly had this overwhelming pain in my chest. I wanted to talk to my mom and hear her tell me that it was going to be okay and I couldn’t. That made it worst and I couldn’t understand how someone who once said the care for you and will always be there for you could just treat you like your worthless. I was having a panic attack and I called his mom to talk to her and all she kept telling me was to call him and I told her he was the last person I wanted to talk to. She kept saying he’s your friend and I told her that I didn’t want to talk about it and I would call her later. I got off the phone and I was trying to breath while I was driving. I knew I needed to pull over before I had an accident and I called my best friend and told her that I was on the way home but needed to pull over. I needed to let someone know that I was having an attack in case something happened to me. I hung up with her and went to pull in to the Shells gas station and as I turned in the tire blew. I was like what the heck is going on with me right now. I called my insurance company to send someone to come put my spare on. She could barely understand me through my cries. I called my best friend again to let her know what happen and she told me that her husband was home and that they were on the way. I sat in the car and I prayed to God to fix whatever it was that I was going through and I cried some more. My friend came and her husband put the spare on and I started looking at places that sold my tire. No one except Sears sold them. I had to be to work the next day and I was just over it all. I had to wait until the next day to get it fixed, which meant that I would be late to work. I did text him the next day and told him that when God removed him out my life I should’ve kept it that way and that I couldn’t trust him. He hurt me and when I told him that before he basically said I was being dramatic and playing the victim. I was done was the general message and that I wasn’t going to try and continue to be in his life. I told him that he didn’t have to respond to the message but of course days later I did receive a message from him. He apologized for hurting me and he now realize the affect that he played in my life. He also said that he wanted to make amends if I was willing to allow him too. I thought about it for a while as I read the message over and over. Why was it that I had to tell you that I was hurt and that I wished that I had listened when God removed you out my life for you to see that I was truly hurt by your actions? I couldn’t possibly see any type of relationship between after this point. I texted him and I thanked him for apologizing and giving me closure. It’s what I needed to move past the hurt and for me to forgive him fully. I also told him to make sure he show’s his girls how a man is suppose to treat them as young ladies because one day they will be grown woman. I also told him to make sure he teaches his son to respect woman and show him how to treat a woman. It was my final text goodbye. He gave me the closure I wanted so there was no need in trying to amend anything from this point on. He did text me “I can respect that” and I said thank you and that was the end of it.

I hate that I went through this but it also helped me learn that once you have closure things become much clearer and you can move forward with your life. I almost let this cause me to possibly have a bad accident because my heart was hurting and I felt that I deserved to be treated better than he had treated me. Ladies don’t ever allow a man to have so much control over your emotions that you lose apart of yourself. It’s not worth it and you deserve more than that. You are beautiful and God will give you a man that will love you unconditionally.

Until next time